Don't Ever Stop Chewing

Sabbatical?

2008-05-22T12:33:00.002+02:00

I'm supposed to be studying right now. Slap bang in the middle of my exams. I've cleaned cupboards, sorted books and papers, cooked, eaten, and everything else. Now I'm blogging again. Well, just one post to keep my eye in - it's been bloody ages. Dunno how this is gonna pan out - I blog when the mood strikes, and work doesn't allow blogging. so the mood has to strike after work - which doesn't happen very much at all ;)

I'm having an affair...

She's a dark temptress. I'm with her all the time these days. Everyone is always telling me she's a bad influence, that she's not good for me - but to me she's sweet, effervescent and she always manages to cheer me up. I once decided to break it off and went a whole 6 months without her. I saw her around a lot though and pretty much inevitably wound up back in her arms. It's almost as if I'm addicted to her. Our relationship began so long ago I can hardly remember when it started. I think I was about 6 or 7 when we met, and very soon after that we consummated our relationship. She tastes so sweet...

OK fine I'm talking about Coca Cola ;)

And in other news -

My maid has forfeited her steel wool privileges. No more will my tender plastics and utensils feel the brunt of her steely wrath. I've thrown all the steel wool out. She can scrub just fine with a sponge.

I've been receiving a lot of anti xenophobia invites through stuff like facebook. First of all - this is gonna be over in a week or two, then I would have to go through all the trouble of leaving the group. Second - yeah sure it's xenophobia and we can all agree its bad, but then you'd have to join all the other crap we all think is bad, and where would that stop? Join the anti-nazi group, the anti-racism group, the anti-anti group, the anti-cancer group, anti-genocide? If people already condemn it, what point joining a group? It's not as if there's a pro-xenophobia group. Is there? Third - are these fuckers who're killing each other on facebook? Are they on the internet? Do they know what the internet is?

I guess what I'm saying is I'm way too cynical to join stuff like that - this is just my point of view though. I think one of my groups is a cynicism one anyway. I join groups cos it's easier than writing out my likes and dislikes in my profile.

Well that came off pretty darn preachy. In my defence - it's been a while since I've done this ;)

Tired And Sick

2008-04-22T21:04:00.003+02:00

I haven't blogged in a while now. Think it's cos I was busy having fun - also haven't had inspiration on what to write. Occasionally I do feel the need to blog personal shit, but most times I try for a lightness, something funny - I ~~like~~ love to laugh, and hate being sad.

I'm coming down with something. Right now one nostril is clogging up, and my throat has been scratchy since yesterday. Feeling kinda drowsy from all the meds too. This sucks! Hope its over before the long weekend this Friday.

If you feel in the mood for a laugh - visit www.cracked.com - it always sets me right.

Found this on bash.org -
<jess> So whats the difference between the mormons and the muslims??
<jess> The mormons want their 72 virgins now

In The Kitchen

2008-04-14T19:37:00.003+02:00

I spent the weekend baking and getting baked. First I got an ounce from a guy, and made canna-butter on Thursday. I ignored the warnings to wear gloves, so absorbed a little through my fingers. Slightly tipsy Thursday night then. Saturday morning everything was ready and I made me some "gluten-free magic chocolate cake and muffins". Then Sunday we ate em ;)

Turns out we got the munchies real bad, so we ate everything in my place and got KFC and Fontanas chicken. Watched Sealab 2021 projected onto my wall, which is plain simply awesome when you're high. Sealab is already awesome, it was just that much more. Giggled at just about everything. I recall laughing till I cried. Not sure what was so funny though.

Woke up this morning, should have gone back to sleep. although I wouldn't have woken up again then. Turns out I'm still trippin. I'm dizzy right now still. Work was sooooo interesting. Had to keep asking myself "Wait, what am I supposed to be doing? What was I just doing now?"

Man I feel sleepy...

Man I got tagged...

I'll do my 6-word thingie later.

Hey that's 6 words...

...

Let's get this weekend started

2008-04-05T07:35:00.003+02:00

I got a little outta control last night. All it took was one mediocre caipirinha and a strawberry daiquiri... No... No it's not a gay drink... it's totally a manly drink... I prefer to think of it as the blood of 1000 strawberry's makes it that color... crushed like my enemies under my heel. See - totally manly ;)

It's been an interesting week. Well when I say interesting I mean dull. It was interesting that it was dull. I blame telkom though. Haven't had internet all week. But it's back now.

Lemme see what's new...

I need a haircut! Maybe. I never know what length is good. It's starting to curl right now though, and getting a little long on the back. When I think about that the theme from Ducktales starts playing in my head - "Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg, Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes - it's a duck blur, You might solve a mystery or rewrite history, Duck Tails, WOo-oo"

Oh my parent's flew back from Orlando on Monday. Mom delivered a baby on the plane. Hehe - there was a doctor on board but the pregnant woman had some religious thing, muslim/islam - I don't know. So only another woman was allowed, or her husband. Mom hasn't been a nurse for about 27 years now but she's delivered hundreds of babies so it was cool ;)

A weekend of introspective

2008-03-30T19:06:00.003+02:00

Here's another one, although don't click here if you're easily offended ;)

Funnily enough I spent most of the weekend indoors sipping hot chocolate. I really tear through the stuff in cold weather. Mostly that's because I know how to make it the "proper" way. Firstly - only Nestlè will do, no other hot chocolate they sell locally tastes better. Second - FOLLOW the damn instructions on the tin! Thats all there is to it, it's not that complicated, dunno why you keep fucking it up.

I must say a woman who knows how to make hot chocolate properly immediately gets an extra point on my scale out of ten. And vice versa - I was a visiting a girl with a friend of mine, doing our IT thing to get her laptop going again, middle of winter. She kindly offered to make us hot chocolate. Being the manwhores that we are, we can't say no to that. As she turns to leave, she asks how many sugars we want... That shoulda been the sign. Sugar?!? In hot chocolate? I knew then and there she was a philistine.

No matter that she was hot - she dropped about a point right then, and another when the hot chocolate arrived. I had to ask her if she'd just stirred the water with a spoon that had been near the hot chocolate for a few seconds or something. It was watery as hell. We did our thing and headed straight back home for some Publish Postreal hot chocolate.

I come off as a total fanatic right there huh? We prefer the term "purist". Hehe. I've been reading way too much of The Cynic's Sanctuary as well this weekend. Trying to find something on their list to not be cynical about. It's hard realizing you're a cynic... Actually - it's easy, you just try to wonder why everyone isn't already ;)

Bones To Pick

2008-03-25T17:25:00.003+02:00

I bought a big bag of chappies bubblegum over the weekend. Nothing like sugary rubber! It say assorted fruit flavors on the bag and should contain 200. Well it's not assorted. I count 3 types - red, green... and banana, with banana by far the most prevalent. Grabbing a handful I counted 6 banana's before I hit a red.There was a green left and 2 more bananas. I HATE banana flavor chappies. I think I got given roughly 150 banana flaovors and the rest green and red. Does anyone even know what green and red are supposed to be? Cherry and apple?

What the hell is wrong with the Joburg Roads Agency? There's fucking potholes everywhere. I'm gonna have to take my car to get my wheels aligned again soon. Do yourself and everyone a favor today people, report a pothole - even if it's just to see how useless they can prove themselves to be.

And that brings to a close my bones to pick. It feels pretty cool when you realise that's the full extent of what's annoying you. My life is awesome ;)

The Randomness Has Got Me Again

2008-03-18T20:18:00.003+02:00

Help....? ;)

You know what irritates me? Astrology! Here's a website that explains the whole sordid mess, and it's written for kids, so that even they can realise it's all a bunch of crap. Why people stop believing in Santa Claus but carry on reading the horoscopes every morning is beyond me. The Japaneses have a way that makes marginal more sense, and it's based around your blood type. It's also a bunch of crap, but is slightly more believable than "I'm not in control of my life - a bunch of stars a billion miles away are".

Then again, I suppose those things seem more like a religion than scientology. Don't even get me started ;)

I suppose a post like this is inevitable, considering I can't blog at work, so I get to surf a LOT. Here's some linklove -

Midget Goat Porn - self explanatory really.
An Awareness Test - I failed ;)
BIBLE FIGHT!
I finished this and never noticed - Dammit!

If Wishes were Fishes....

2008-03-05T18:16:00.003+02:00

I'd be fishing with dynamite ;)

Although I dunno if you'd say these were really wishes, maybe dreams, or daydreams. Basically you tell yourself "Wouldn't it be cool if..."

I could fly. Like that guy in Heroes.

My farts smelled like vanilla (or coconut, not sure which is better - oooh vanilla AND coconut). Then I'd probably fart more, and in public. People would be requesting farts. Awesome! Why don't we have EVERYONE's smell like vanilla, or individual scents. Your own personal brand ;)

I had a photographic memory. School woulda been such a breeze. actually it was a breeze anyway, but it would've been more so.

If mosquito's only sucked out pimples and not your blood. I'm telling you they could genetically engineer that. People would be throwing away the tabard and mosquito nets.

I've shown you mine - what are yours? ;)

The Social Dynamic

2008-02-28T16:25:00.002+02:00

I went out last night with some mates, ostensibly just to catch up. We decided to hit news café because its close and we’re lazy. Had a couple of drinks, ordered some food, then did the normal guy thing – talk shit and look at women ;)

There was one guy there, I felt sorry for the dude. You could see the hopelessness, futility , and what's sad is he doesn’t even realize it. This guy and his buddy’s had been drinking from before we arrived, and were trying for anything - The chick selling jagerbombs for R30 each, those sorts of dead-ends. Then these 3 chicks arrive. Attractive enough, the one was wearing pants I have boxer shorts longer than; maximizing her best assets etc. her legs just went on forever. They sit down, and there’s blondie, legs, brunette an empty 4^thchair. After about 15 minutes, this dude musters the courage (very probably the Dutch kind) and plonks himself down and starts chatting. Now we’re watching this and thinking “That guys not going home alone tonight”.

Then his mates get in on it. They were all sitting a table away, about 6 of them, and they start to intrude. It starts when one guy positions himself right between 2 of the chicks, starts talking to the blonde. The dude was trying his luck with brunette. Suddenly the rest of the group of guys are all there, cockblocking the shit outta the dude. And we watched the evening progress. Out of this group, only a few of these guys manage to strike up conversation. One guy talks to brunette, the same first guy continues talking to blondie, legs is left alone. The rest of the guys sit back with sour expressions, not even talking to each other. It’s only when the dude gets up and moves around the table do we realize how much Dutch courage the dude imbibed. He was holding onto chairs for support, and staggered over to sit next to legs. I don’t imagine a guy that wasted could say anything remotely charming though, and sure enough legs was soon chatting to brunette, both of them ignoring all the guys.

At this point the dude must have been in epic torture. His grand schemes derailed by his so called mates. He gets back up and staggers around the table, then completely misses the chair sitting down. Queue big scene, sympathy, mates doing their “I’m taking care of my drunk friend” routine. I think at that stage everybody realized the party was over, and my mates and I were in danger of laughing too loud – not a safe thing to try with drunk guys around. Altogether a night of good clean fun laughing at other peoples misfortune ;)

Cannot think of a title

2008-02-24T22:58:00.003+02:00

I may just be slightly wasted whilst writing this, so it may seem a bit rambly stream of consciousness sort of vibe.

Word of advice to all the ladies out there... actually to everyone - if you're on a date, take your fucking sunglasses off! I don't care that they're dkny or whatever, how the fuck am I supposed to speak to you seriously when I can't see your eyes? Actually - leave them on, cos if you're that kinda person anyway, it gives me advance warning that this isn't going anywhere anyway. You're too shallow and vapid for me. I want someone I can be real with.

Just got back from watching Jumpers. It was Ho Hum. I really wanna see Sweeny Todd, Fool's Gold and Michael Clayton next. Anyone feel like going to watch movies? My movie wingman is in France right now. Bastard! I miss you guys already ;)

My aunt just died today. After almost 2 months of suffering. It was not nice. Kinda funny feeling knowing someone isn't going to say anything to you ever again, isn't going to be around ever again. I'm sorta in emotional limbo about it right now. My mate's dad just died on Friday as well. he's having to sort out everything right now. I don't know what to say in these situations, everything I can think of always sounds fake :(

Viewpoint & Thinking

2008-02-22T22:12:00.003+02:00

A friend's Dad just died this afternoon. I found out just a short while ago. Meanwhile, my aunt is in the late stages of cancer, and is going at any moment. All this death and dying makes me morose. I also had to look at how stupid things seem when compared to the seriousness of that. What had seemed important suddenly no longer is. I am now going to avoid stuff that, if I found out someone close to me had died, would seem very unimportant and petty all of a sudden.

I was just watching the news (by the way, a man looks completely ridiculous dressed only in underwear with socks - I caught a glimpse in the mirror) - I was kept inside this evening because of the mother of all headaches. Anyway on the news it seems that the Forum of Black Journalists kicked a bunch of whiteys out of an address by Jacob Zuma. What's funny is that everyone else, Black, coloured and Indian, were allowed in. They should be calling it The Forum Of All Journalists Except Whites.

Have you looked at beggars at the traffic lights these days? I'm wondering where the hell the real beggars have got to. All these guys seem perfectly ok to me, even the ones pretending to have rickets or something. The Quasimodo impressions are good for a laugh, but I'm never giving any beggar money. For every one guy begging there's 100 Zimbabweans here trying to earn an honest living, grateful for any work you can give them.

The news also had a whole bunch of our regular problems. Have you ever looked at the South Africa page on news24 and seen any positive news? It's really hard. Eskom has its own submenu now. I note that a lot of complaints do blame the "skills shortage". allow me to clarify what that means. When they say "Skills Shortage", what they're really saying is "Black Skills Shortage". The skills used to all be there - where did they go? I wonder....

Anyone else notice that AA became EE became BEE and has now become BBBEE? What the hell? It's changed names more than Joburg Airport ;)

This is definitely not one of my usual posts. It has a way different flavor. I'll leave it up, see what happens ;)

Procrastinating is fun

2008-02-12T16:53:00.000+02:00

I suppose I should post once in a while though, just to keep my hand in. It's a bit hard having just started work though. We'll see how it goes once I've adjusted to the daily schedule.

In this post a while back I posted a link to explain girlspeak. I think it's only fair (and will win me points with girls) that I post this link, which explains guyspeak. Hopefully this evens the score and displays my impartiality ;)

I also found a list of Universal Truths. In South Africa I don't think number 8 applies, and I don't think anyone ever wanted to risk the sarcasm should they have attempted 33 on me growing up. I've never seen 2 happen, and 18 I know is true and I've got the scars to prove it.

Woe and Caution

2008-01-28T17:50:00.000+02:00

I can never seem to produce crumpets, pancakes or fritters faster than I can eat them. I think hunger and pan size are largely to blame for this. And the deliciousness of the items. I make excellent pancakes. To make a sizeable quantity of crumpets or pancakes, I first need to eat the first 10 or so as fast as I make them. Maybe with butter and honey, maybe cinnamon and sugar. then the ones that follow are in no danger of being eaten - by me that is... ;)

A few words of caution I can share with you from my own experience -

Don't buy anything from The Fruit-Spot. I know there's a branch in Woodmead, not sure where there's others. The fruit is basically on the verge of being too ripe. Having grown up on a farm however, I like my fruit to be firm and crisp when possible. The peaches and apricots I bought at the Fruit-Spot were anything but. Also if you remember that fake olive oil scare we had a number of years back - that place is one of the places that sold it.

Don't ever use Head-and-Shoulders menthol shampoo on any hair except the hair on your head. Not unless you wanna get kinky that is. I found out the hard way... bwahaha - hard way. I crack me up ;)

The Fridayness of it all

2008-01-25T09:07:00.000+02:00

I cut my thumb open on Wednesday. And its still sore! You know when you actually remove a slice, and there's basically a mini ditch in your thumb... Well thats what it's like. I never realised how much you use thumbs every day. Typing is pain.

I read about "In the Name of the King" recently - how terrible it is. It's an Uwe Boll movie. Basically Uwe makes crappy movies and gets paid to do it by the German government. But that led me to this - Films considered the worst ever. I had a good laugh going through and ticking off those I've seen and those I've managed to dodge. I've never seen "Glitter", but this comment had me rocking - "Only Mariah Carey could play herself in a movie and fuck it up".

Went to Q-ba last night for a get together/farewell. Wasn't expecting so many beautiful women though. I want one! Yes I know I said I didn't but I reserve the right to be fickle. If you're reading this and you're single, female and gorgeous, throw me some email sugar ;)

Ninja's were here

2008-01-23T11:30:00.000+02:00

I have discovered ultimate humor... and it resides here. Well maybe not ultimate, bu it's the current funniest thing I'm hooked on. Until something else comes along.

What the hell is wrong with Woolworth's chicken these days. Twice now I've bought chicken and its been slightly off. I think something went wrong with their fridges during these dark days of load shedding. On that note - have not had load shedding for 2 days now - things are looking up. For a while there I thought SA was trying to catch up with how shitty the rest of Africa is ;)

It's the beginning of the year and already I grow tired of the mating game. I'm just not feeling the motivation. It's as if everything we do is ultimately aimed towards reproduction. Communication, work, everything. Maybe I'm zoning out a little. This is freaky. I can see the machine, and it scares me.

Electricity IS Civilisation!

2008-01-19T12:47:00.000+02:00

I was victim to Eskom's load shedding. ALL week! 2 hours of no power, twice a day, sometimes 3 times a day. This shit is getting ridiculous. I've hardly managed to get anything done, much less blog about it. It started on the weekend at my mates place. I popped round for a visit just in time to see the power go off. No problem - we hung out on the balcony, rating chicks driving by. We even drew some scorecards. Ladies - if you drove near Fourways on Saturday, I was the dude flashing a 7. Nice middling card, not too enthusiastic, not too insulting ;)

Having just experienced another 2 hours of no power this morning, and no doubt another this afternoon to follow, I give you -

WHAT TO DO DURING A LOAD SHED

Plan what to blog about when the power gets back on.
Read - if it's during the daytime (I tried by candlelight - it doesn't work)
Sleep
Plot revenge against Eskom, or failing that - the ANC (You can do this while cleaning your gun collection, or not...)
Clean stuff up - cupboards, dishes etc. (I found a bunch of stuff I didn't know I had)
Sit in front of TV, imagine what you could be missing right now
Make lists of stuff to do when the power comes back (almost the same as number 1)
Drive somewhere that has power
Have a braai
Get drunk
Get stoned
Have sex (You don't have to do the whole list, or in any order - this step is an option by itself)
Have a wank (If you don't have someone for number 12, or even if you do, but you like wanking)
Phone people (Phones and water still work during a load shed)
Exercise
Do gardening
Find out what visas you'd need to get a job in the UK or USA, where they always seem to have power

So I looked up a bunch of stuff on why this is happening to us. This is what I found -

Facts about load shedding
Reasons for the crisis
We're still giving Zimbabwe power.... FOR FREE!!!!!
What Eskom is doing about it
Metro Cops are useless!

The last guy has a little rant about metro cops, which I can totally agree with, since I was driving down Sandton Drive the other day and happened to spy a metro cop under a tree, chair, speedcamera, flask of coffee (maybe coffee), trapping people exceeding 70km/h on a downhill slope. NICE! Go around the corner and Sandton doesn't have power, traffic lights all out, no metro cop in sight to restore order. Metro cops basically failed the test to become real policemen is what it is.

It's more than a bit hard being upbeat and cheerful about SA when the lights are out isn't it people?

I don't think he knows what it means....

2008-01-09T12:08:00.000+02:00

I was chatting to some friends last night and the subject swung around to placenta. These are the same friends I always chat to about weird crap like this. More specifically, we wondered about the eating of placenta, and I was reminded of this penny arcade cartoon I saw long ago. Animals eat placenta all the time. Raw. So what's wrong with throwing it on a fire and having roast placenta? Placenta with polenta? There's sites with recipes here and here if you're wondering.

Then the question arose as to the nature of placenta. Is it kosher? I would probably have to think so. It's not offal or a regular cut of meat. Here's a pic of placenta – mmmmm... Freaky looking thing isn't it. But that illustrates my point – it looks like no other type of meat I've ever seen – it's unique. Could a vegetarian, vegan or fruitarian eat placenta? I definitely think so. You have to ask yourself, do these selfsame people chew their fingernails, bite their hair, and swallow when giving blowjobs? If they do, then they can eat placenta. Maybe it makes a difference if it's your own though, like drinking your own pee. I don't know. So many questions in life eh?

Here's some linkmania again –

10 most misleading adverts (I love cracked.com's lists of 10 most)
Lies Cosmo tells women about men (Bad Cosmo, Bad!)
16 weird fish (Numbers 4 & 5 remind me of something, can't quite put my finger on it...)
Things difficult to say when drunk (Too true)
An essential guide to survival tracking (This shows you all the things you'll need to get by in life. I use these skills every day)

:)

All Hail 2008

2008-01-07T09:48:00.000+02:00

We who are about to diet salute you!

Thats not really 100% accurate, but it'll do. I'm just selecting the expedient of cutting out certain items like coke etc. There's nothing like a holiday to put on weight. However this year promises to be the start of many new adventures for me, so this won't be a problem for long. It seems rock climbing is suddenly on my agenda too. Dunno is my hands will like me for it though. I have very soft hands. It's my cross to bear ;)

I've totally forgotten what its like to have sunburn. Spent a little too much time on a boat without sunblock. My legs got roasted. Such pain. But now I'm peeling, which I also forgot about. The challenge is to see how big a strip you can take off without it breaking.

So having got back to Joburg on Thursday, I now set about the organization of things. I emptied my fridge before I left last year, now I set about buying all the things that'll probably sit in the back of the fridge for another year. I really don't want a fridge full of condiments again ;)

A couple of links to keep things fresh -

Girlspeak explained.
How many 5 year olds could you take down? (I can take out 27 before the little bastards overwhelm me)

Fear The Cute Ones

2007-12-19T08:58:00.001+02:00

Chew Superstar

2007-12-06T09:24:00.000+02:00

Most people don't see how much work is really involved in this blog shit. I didn't know it, I didn't see it, I never saw it until I was actually in it. You really gotta be in it to understand what it's like, but you always gotta, People always gotta see your smile, you always gotta put on that fake... You know what I'm sayin, No matter what u just been through...

Please don't sue me Cypress Hill ;)

Have you ever been driving behind someone and you try to figure out how the hell ~~she~~ they managed to screw up their car that badly? The bumper will be obscuring the back window, or just not present at all, you wonder if maybe it would be wiser for ~~her~~ them to just write off their wagon. Then when they drive like complete idiots it all suddenly clicks into place and you start looking for a place to overtake them or get off the same road, cos they are just about the worst driver you've ever seen.

In amongst other news, the holiday season is upon us, and I will be putting this blog on hold for a while. I think I'll survive not blogging for a while, especially while NOT blogging in Mauritius over Christmas. On the beach... Yes, I should be fine ;)

Oh and I almost forgot -

Bwahahahahahahaahaha :P

PS. Love you guys ;)

Write this down

2007-11-20T09:37:00.000+02:00

A few different things to write about today, so I'm gonna number 'em ;)

I'm currently looking for work, so if anyone could use a fairly cool guy who knows a lot about computers, and a little about just about everything else, send us a mail. What I really need is a good agency though. However, I'm not too enthusiastic about working for the man ;)
Here is today's insane amount of cuteness ;)\
According to this site, unmade beds are actually healthier, because making your bed protects the bedbugs, while my normal scruffyness dry's the bed and kills the little buggers. YOU HEAR THAT MOM!?! (Of course you don't, because you don't know I have a blog, but thats definitely IN YOUR FACE next time) ;)
My blog readability level is apparently at the College undergrad level. I measured it here. I also took the liberty of measuring a couple of other blogs. Revo, Peas and Betenoir, if you guys ever need any help with the bigger words flying around here, I'll be too happy to tell you what they mean ;)
I scored 75% on the Machiavellian test. That apparently means I subscribe very highly to the ideas of Machiavelli. What will really drive you nuts is why I'm really telling you this then ;)

Something Fushy

2007-11-17T08:06:00.000+02:00

Apparently we have a perlemoen (Abalone) crisis on our hands here in South Africa. I've never even got to have the stuff and we're already running out. What I would like to know is how come fishing is a right? It's not as if I can go to the Kruger and shoot a buck if I want venison. I could go shoot a buck, but it would apparently cost me about R600 or so to do that. However I can throw a line in the water and take my daily quota of fish for nothing, and yet fish is more expensive than red meat???

This whole thing strikes me as stupid and nearsighted. A farmer has to pay for his cows, feed them and shelter them to get the meat. What are fishermen putting back into fish? They're just taking. The reason we have game reserves is because before that we shot the shit outta all the animals before that. But we drag our feet about creating new marine reserves. Greed only gets you so far though. I reckon we get what we deserve.

On another note altogether - "Variety is the spice of life!". Weirdness by definition is variety, therefore being weirdness is the spice of life. Be weird, be happy! I was reminded of this while dancing around my flat in boxers this morning, shakin that ass ;)

I'm the King of wishful thinking

2007-11-14T21:55:00.000+02:00

Listening to these old songs puts me in a good mood ;)

I'm starting to become more and more apathetic. I know apathy kills, but I don't really care ;)

No really, I have less and less patience nowadays. It's funny cos there's not a lot to stress about at all right now, but I'm getting tired of being nice all the time. Dunno why.

I also think I have a knack for infuriating a certain kind of person. Mostly women it seems. Maybe women are always judging and happen to find me lacking something? Maybe I'm too coarse? Also dunno ;)

I also think I'm totally awesome. It's science ;)

Cheers for now peeps. Look for me in Joburg. I'll be the one singing along to 'Rollercoaster of Love' really loud in traffic.

Long time

2007-11-12T09:13:00.000+02:00

Hmmm. This blog is showing signs of neglect. I really haven't been in any kind of mood lately to talk about shit. I did make a few resolutions as of last week -

I'm going to try to keep more secrets. Telling everyone everything openly and indiscriminately has to stop. I'm going to attempt to hold onto a few things I won't tell anyone from now on.
I'm going to blog at least once a week ;)
I'm going to have a functioning six pack by December for the beach, instead of my current keg. Although to achieve this it really only means I'm going to diet a bit ;)
I will never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(That last one is kinda a general rule and not anything from personal experience or anything)

I called Nelspruit this morning. It turns out that Smelly Feet, who you may remember from this post, is still having marital problems. Apparently after she found out her husband was cheating, he carried right on with the same woman and she found out again this weekend. Then the woman's husband beat the snot outta him, and he in turn took it out on Smelly Feet. So she wasn't at work this morning because of the black eyes etc. He apparently spent the night in the cells after she went to the police station. I had to ask if this was the station in Kentucky or Tennessee ;)

What I thought about that's kinda funny though is we were always the one's called "rooinek"s or rednecks. According to this, it doesn't have the same connotations as in the states. I wonder what the Afrikaans word for trailer park trash is....

Where’s that thought that thought uncomplicated things?

2007-10-31T14:01:00.000+02:00

Heading courtesy of Imogen Heap ;)

Last week was the definition of kak. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a shitty week. I tried not to let it get me seriously down though. Winex on Friday night wasn’t bad though - free booze and incredibly beautiful women everywhere. I even knew a lot of them ;)

There were a couple of contributing factors to the kak-ness of the week. First off, I had 2 exams to write. That’s always just concentrated amounts of fun. Then I had a wisdom tooth decide to make a call. So constant pain in my jaw the whole week too. And then to top everything off, my mom had a tumour removed. Actually more like 2 tumours. Fortunately they were benign, but we didn’t know this fact until Thursday after they were out.

This week finds me in Nelspruit, with the whole of my family keeping my mother company as she recuperates. Basically we have to try keeping her in bed, as she hates inactivity. This morning already we’ve mown the lawn and gone shopping, all with her having a slice all the way up her stomach.

Oh, and I also had my wisdom tooth removed, so some significant pain there. The meds seem to be screwing with me. I had the weirdest dreams last night. Also some of the most intensely erotic dreams featuring a gorgeous chick I met at Winex. I’ve seen her around before, just never thought of her like that. It’s a good thing I slept on my side and woke up in time, because we’re talking what would normally be a “change of pants” kind of dream. I’m putting the blame for all this on the painkillers ;)

Annoyance Strikes

2007-10-22T15:28:00.000+02:00

I'm trying to chill right now. Sometimes it works, sometimes I need stuff like this to make me laugh -

Yes pirates do have laws!

This is not a gangbang guide.

I think I need to get laid (not in an orgy way or anything, one girl at a time is great) ;)

Memory like a steel.... thingie...

2007-10-17T21:20:00.000+02:00

Ever wished you could just completely forget some crap? I got a huge list of stuff I'd rather not recall ever again. Mostly unpleasantness like some very embarrassing moments, all that wasted time in church, certain people etc. But I appear to have outdone my previously insanely detailed memory. I just found out that I totally, completely forgot - my first kiss....

"How is this possible chewy?" you may ask. Well when I first found out about it I had to verify that this chick wasn't lying. So we chatted - facebook is good for tracking people down. Turns out she remembers it all, even wrote an essay about it in school. It was her first kiss too. Her story checked out. Now, I was only about 11 or 12 at the time and she must have been about 13. I had found her very attractive from the time I was about 4 - that part of my memory still works it seems. We kissed, but I must have not thought it was a big deal or anything at the time so I forgot...

Those of my mates who know me will understand I think. I never seem to prioritise women, and all that goes with that. Sex, girlfriend, blah blah blah. There was, until recently, always better things to do. Finding out that this goes back so far is a bit of a surprise though.

In other news, I will be blogging erratically for the next week or so. I'm not going anywhere special, just busy. Stay cool people ;)

Africa's Poephol

2007-10-10T10:50:00.000+02:00

I was reading the news this morning and decided to check what's happening north of the border. News24 has a lot to say about Zimbabwe, none of it good really. From what I've heard from the average Zimbabwean, it's a kak place to live. The average South African however, seems to think that Mugabe is doing a great job. Most of them need to be set straight by the Zimbabweans.

A democratically elected president shouldn't stay in power for 20+ years. How can you call your country's supposed freedom a success, if the majority was better off under the Smith regime? Whats ironic is there was probably more freedom under the previous regime than under the current one. Mugabe has definitely showed the previous rulers an how one maintains a grip on the rule of a country. But hey - don't let me tell you, there's plenty of blogs out there that agree with me - Cry Beloved Zimbabwe.

PS. I'm getting the feeling I just wrote something so I could put the picture up. It still cracks me up ;)

Minor Frustrations

2007-10-08T08:41:00.000+02:00

The scope of my current irritations are relatively minor. I'll run through them now -

My bookshelf has finally run out of space. I can maybe squeeze one or two more books in before I need to start shopping for another one. This is a funny feeling for me because I'm somehow proud and annoyed at the same time. Here's the item in question ;)

I have to pop back into varsity for the first time in ages to deregister from subjects I never registered for. I love red tape :)

After spending ages working on my local blogs list, about 70% of said bloggers are no longer blogging. I don't know whether to delete the links, move them to a "dead blogs" list or leave them as is. All I know is it's gonna be a LOT of work.

As you can see - all minor. So I am so relaxed right now. Sucks to be you ;)

The nastiness continues

2007-10-05T15:22:00.000+02:00

Every so often a link comes my way thats too good to not share. Be warned though - I tend to think I'm a pretty sick bastard with a twisted sense of humor, and some of these seemed an eensy bit too wrong. I still laughed though...

You've Been Warned!

Time is on my side

2007-10-04T10:08:00.000+02:00

Various things have been conspiring to keep me from blogging lately, not least of which is the fact that I'm lazy ;)

I really hate when conversation veers towards politics. My friends know enough to not talk about religion, but thats probably because they know what my response will be to that. Those are the two most talked about, most time wasting topics. Even if people try to be polite about it, everybody has their own viewpoint and defend it. It almost always becomes an argument. And there's no point! It doesn't matter - you can argue back and forth for hours, but no ordinary person will change their views just like that. The most you can hope for is a ceasefire till next time.

I know its a trap people fall into. It's easy to talk about politics or religion, we all know where we stand, we all know the arguments and the retorts. "God is omnipotent" - "Can he make a rock that's too heavy for him to lift then?". We all feel strongly about the subject matter (except me though - I could care less). What I want from an evening of conversation is interesting, stimulating conversation, not a lengthy diatribe on South Africa's woeful state of affairs. One half of our table talked about that last night - I spent the evening talking about hoverboards ;)

Cokehead

2007-09-27T17:15:00.000+02:00

I've been drinking coke for ages. I'm drinking some right now. I still remember when I was so small I had to use both hands to hold a 2 litre bottle and balance the neck on the glass to pour. Needless to say accidents did happen.

I stopped drinking coke for about 6 months last year. Once that first month goes by it becomes bearable. But you always lust for that taste again. When I finally tried it again it tasted horrible. Way too sweet. After a day spent drinking nothing but coke though, I tumbled off the wagon.

You know coke has only 34 milligrams of caffeine per can? Whereas coffee has about 100 milligrams per cup. Red Bull only has 80 milligrams of caffeine per can. Mountain Dew and Pepsi have about 55, and Diet Coke has 45. DIET COKE! As if aspartame wasn't bad enough. I would never dream of drinking Pepsi of course, but now I'm sticking to normal coke.

I finished my glass...

Lapse

2007-09-24T23:36:00.000+02:00

I have slipped. For the first time in a long time, I spent a weekend doing absolutely nothing. A long weekend no less. I resolved a long time ago to make sure there would always be something happening on my weekends, because I know I'm just the type of lazy person to sit back and let time pass me by. This weekend was filled watching Boston Legal episodes on the couch. I'm almost finished with season 2 now ;)

I had a thought recently. I would say that I am a bit of a geek or nerd, but, what with the rapidly increasing tech savvy of people in our modern age, what has become of the nerd? It seems that the requirements for being a man nowadays have shifted from being able to fix a flat tyre, to being able to configure an email account. This was previously the domain of the nerd, and yet that he typically received much ridicule therefrom, this was his. Now it has become a manly attribute, such that no man is prepared to admit he doesn't know something computer related. Are the nerds the more advanced techies then? Are the advanced techies the nerd's "nerds"? Has everybody got a little nerd in them now?

Midweekness

2007-09-19T08:18:00.000+02:00

I found some interesting things online. thought I'd share them with you. The first is the funniest horse race I've ever seen - Here. Then there's a new movie you might like to see coming out next year - Ironman. The preview kicks ass, so that probably means the movie's gonna suck, but I'm gonna go ahead and get my hopes up anyway. I found a bunch of internet safety tips, very useful for the discerning browsers out there - Here. And here's a couple of list of sites that the safety tips would be warning you against (word of warning, stay clear of 4chans random boards) - Here. Number one on that list is just....

And I found a list of 13 secrets women keep. this one's for the guys. The women can feel free to comment though ;)

There are only a few things in life you know about women. But there are more things you don't know. A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she'll never give up. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies and unshared longings. You're about to sample this hidden knowledge. Be prepared for what you're about to find out...

1. Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

2. When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favourite old T-shirt because it smells like you.

3. I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. My fib is partly intentional (I don't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia.

4. I fantasised about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.

5. I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

6. I obsess about when you're going to call me again. Don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me.

7. I have Googled your exes.

8. When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.

9. I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasised about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.

10. My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating and moisturising that gets it this way.

11. I only appear to have it all together. My true organisation (or lack thereof) is revealed in my cupboard and my make-up bag.

12. I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn websites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.

13. When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly seven more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up seven minutes later; I will still need an extra seven minutes.

Meets and Meats

2007-09-17T08:17:00.000+02:00

So it turned out that my recent trip took way longer than expected. This is mostly due to the fact that Telkom saw fit to sink (rise?) to whole new levels of uselessness. So I only had internet late Friday afternoon, and it's nothing special either. I got back on Sunday. Man it's hot in South Africa now. Drove across half the country because a mate was having a gathering in Roodepoort. In total I drove about 500 kilometres yesterday.

It turned out to be my mates birthday party, which he quite sneakily didn't remind me of. I rely almost totally on facebook these days to tell me when birthdays happen. But I was the only one there besides his girlfriend. His other friends are at best a flakey bunch. We had a picnic in The Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens. There was a jazz band playing, wine - I steered clear of the wine, last weekend is still fresh in my mind ;)

Somehow or other the conversation veered towards eating people. It always seems to do that when it's just the three of us together. My mates girlfriend delights in shocking people. We established that there would definitely be different types of meat for different types of people. If you wanted to eat healthy - vegetarians obviously. This would be a low fat meat akin to venison. It can be tough, so a marinade is probably necessary. Babies would be veal (that's definitely gonna get me in trouble). the best meat we established would have to come from big people who gets massaged and drink beer regularly. Kobe Human in effect. What's really important though is to ensure the subject is relaxed as it is slaughtered. So whoever you choose must be totally unaware....

Manic Monday

2007-09-10T09:04:00.000+02:00

I woke up at 12 last night on my couch, with what looked suspiciously like a patch of drool where my head had been, to the sounds of the "every sperm is sacred" song from Monty Python on the TV. My mate had passed out on the other couch. Why is it though, the minute you turn the TV and lights off, people wake up?And then go vomit up all that wine we drank on Sunday afternoon? I only went and looked in the bathroom this morning though. It's purple...

So yesterday we went off to the Diemersfontien Pinotage launch at CasaLinga. I have trouble remembering most of what went on beyond a certain point. When I woke up yesterday night, I wasn't at all sure how I got there. I do recall certain things though. Drinking chocolate from a chocolate fountain, pouring wine on myself, many trips to the wine barrels. My jeans pretty much chronicle what went on yesterday.

Today I once again set off for Nelspruit. This time there is promise of internet. We'll see...

That rug really tied the room together

2007-09-05T09:21:00.000+02:00

I slept just wonderfully last night. Super good! Didn't have bad dreams at all. Haha! Nope! Phoned to the parents yesterday, Dad starts talking about investments, then insurance. The topics eventually lead us to life insurance and whats going to happen when one of my folks dies. Fun fun fun!

In amongst the bad dreams and restless sleep I had last night (this sudden hot weather is not helping), I figured out that my death doesn't phase me at all, once I'm gone I'm gone. But family dying? Not nice!

And now for something completely different - Ever think some people should just have their leg privileges revoked? I'm talking about those people who will drive around for ten minutes in the parking lot, looking for the closest parking bay to the shops. Those people who will wait for an elevator just to go up one floor. It seems to me that cutting their legs off will only do them favors because a) they'll be able to sit on their asses in a wheelchair all day, b) they'll get disabled parking, which is right next to the shop entrances, c) it doesn't look like it would affect their lifestyle that drastically and d) we can donate their legs to people who don't have any ;)

Randomness

2007-09-03T08:43:00.000+02:00

Really don't wanna blather about my weekend right now. It was good, but sometimes it seems that's all Monday's blog posts are for. What did happen to me though this weekend -

Two things that got to me in no small way :

People who take up the whole passage/stairway. They'll walk down the stairs in front of you, really slowly in the middle, whilst holding one rail. an anorexic midget could maybe squeeze past them. I can just imagine that person getting shat on on the London underground for doing that. You soon learn to keep to one side of the escalators there, one side's for standing, the other's for walking.
That beeping light on checkout counters. It's more a pain if you're waiting in line I think. Although everyone is looking daggers at you "Couldn't be bothered to pick an item with a price tag huh?"

Wanna know what people are looking at on wikipedia? Here's a site for you then - Wikirage. It lists active pages.

Seems the latest Vogue magazine has 840 pages, 727 of which are adverts. That's just frickin ridiculous ;)

Don't make love in a yellow submarine - the dolphins get jealous. Here's more on this story ;)

It seems public displays of affection are discouraged in china, whereas elsewhere in the world this sort of thing is only going to increase your street cred ;)

The Moodness Of Being

2007-08-28T22:37:00.000+02:00

I was in a really black mood this afternoon. I hate myself when I'm melancholy. So in order to distract from the sadness, I think happy thoughts. Yes I know it's very Peter Pan, but I have yet to manage to fly. I lack pixie dust...

Happy Things

Hot Chocolate in bed on a cold day
Lying outside on the grass on a warm day
Thunderstorms
Laughing with friends
The smell of vanilla
A long hot bath
Playing with candle wax
Sleeping with your pet
Kitties
Reading a good book
Remembering a really good joke
A weird fact
Squelching mud between your toes
Finding new music that you like
Getting The Look from someone you like

That's all for now. Tune in next week for more ;)

Uranus is a gas giant...

2007-08-27T18:14:00.000+02:00

Don't bother complaining about what I say here, I'm just gonna delete any comments I don't like :P

And something sufficiently irritating happened to happen to me to cause me to gripe about it. This is besides the horrendous service from Telkom which caused my line to be disconnected yet again from last week Wednesday. I'm beginning to think my days on the internet are numbered. A couple more setbacks the likes of which I've been having and I can see myself stopping blogging ;)

I cooked kosher on Sunday... Spaghetti bolognaise. Now a couple of things became evident to me in the preparing thereof. Firstly, since only the front half of the cow is used for kosher meat in this country, the meat all looks like crap. It seriously does not look appealing. It comes so wrapped up to avoid "contaminants" etc, with a nice big seal on to assure its kosherness, it hardly looks yummy at all. And it's all WAY more expensive than regular meat. One would think that would be a problem for most Jews, but obviously they're fairly wealthy in order to afford to keep kosher ;)

Secondly, the recipe I was using called for a small amount of chicken livers in the bolognaise. I thought no big problem - was I ever wrong. You have to wash the livers, salt the livers and cook them over an open fire, then wash them again. Good thing I got a gas braai ;)

Let me just say my whole opinion of the origin of Kashrut is that the ancient Jews were morbidly afraid of food poisoning. That's it - thats all there is to it. Our modern equivalent is health codes, the violation of which will result in a ban or fine I imagine. Whatever the case, violating health codes these days will result in punishment from the relevant authorities (If you're caught).

In ancient times if you wanted to eat something, you'd normally have to kill it yourself. People being people, there was probably a lot of mistakes made. The logical and easiest way to ensure a uniform and healthy slaughter was to incorporate dietary laws into your religion. It had probably been found long before by a simple process of experimentation and reasoning, which foods were good to eat and how. The only real way to enforce health codes back then was to say "God will punish you if you don't". God was the only authority people had back then.

I reckon the pork thing wasn't mainly because of the risk of infection but more from the fact that pigs are omnivores as opposed to other domestic animals, and pigs were costly to maintain in the middle east anyway. Shellfish is self explanatory, even I don't eat shellfish.

What's a nightmare is the way kosher has become the religion. It's a damn oral tradition. Just because something is thousands of years old, doesn't mean we shouldn't question it. It doesn't automatically make it right. I'm not hatin on Jews here - I'm hatin on the Kashrut. If Kashrut is Judaism to you, then you can get all offended :P

OK for a weekly roundup of what I found in the time I was away, I have -

What's wrong with these people?
If I tied shoelaces more often I'd use this
Wanking is bad M'kay
This guy is just gonna LOVE his parents for this
You ever think that "Trained Professional" has just become another word for "Idiot"?
Science in your own home - don't wash for 6 weeks
American schools are going off the deep end
And lastly - Here's some sex tips for the guys out there, maybe even the adventurous girls too. You saucy minxes! ;)

They say you can neutralize a jellyfish sting by peeing on it - I think that's just an excuse to have fun ;)

Telemoney

2007-08-22T09:26:00.000+02:00

Recently had the good fortune of spending a little time in front of DSTV. Our much esteemed satellite provider. Our only satellite TV provider it seems. Out of a wonderful 55 channels, I surf through about 15 only. In about a week you wil have watched all there is to see anyway. Come back in a month or two and they'll stil be showing the same movies, the same documentaries on the Discovery channel, the same the same the same.

It's also a ripoff. They charge over R400.00 for the use of a whole 55 channels. No-one watches all those channels themselves. You're really paying 400 bucks a month for the 10 channels you choose to watch. And they removed the Sci-Fi channel. Because "people weren't watching it". they slowly killed it off is what happened. It only started broadcasting at 19:00 eventually. Of course people weren't watching it, it was never on.

Now if you look at what they have for you. you'll find that channel 10 has become the pimp channel for DSTV's own Tivo like creation - the PVR. Thats all the channel does - advertise the PVR the whole day. And there's still no home shopping network, so we all have to contend with telemarketers cutting into the good channels to advertise. What really had me swearing at the thing was channel 45. the fun and games channel. You might remember this channel if you weren't fast enough skipping through channels. It would get stuck on this bloody channel and start a loading menu if you hovered just a millisecond too long on the bloody thing. Now I see thats gone and its's been replaced by what I like to call the money farming channel.

What it basically is is a dedicated channel to cheating people out of their money via cellphone. It seems it's not enough for DSTV to take your 400 smackers every month, they want to trap your kids into high sms charges too. Because that's who will play. You can play games turn based style, smsing in the next move like chess, all for only R3.00 per sms. Let's be realistic here - no adult in his right mind is going to do that. They're taking advantage of gullible children. Children without computers, but with cellphones. Poor children basically. And they'll only get poorer.

Found this yesterday - Camel Kills Woman! It seems the woman's pet tried to get frisky and smothered her with love. Like literally smothered. My favorite part is "Hill, who has offered camel rides to tourists for 20 years" - I think this chick got a free ride ;)

Me, Myself and Party

2007-08-20T09:32:00.000+02:00

Someone very close to me had a birthday party this weekend. I'm talking very close here. This guy and I have been through everything together. We even had sex together. He was there for me so many times. I love him. There I said it. I love me! How could I not? ;)

You know when you add up the events of an evening that you can remember happening and subtract from the total evening and feel like you've been shortchanged? I remember most of what happened until tequila. I remember snippets of conversation here and there, it's like a form of amnesia, or is it ambrosia? I do remember falling down once - my fault, I was doing a dance ;)

What matters here, I think, is that I had fun. At least that's what they tell me. Surprisingly, Sunday - no hangover! I had the strangest feeling in my throat though, like there was a shot glass still stuck in there or something. If someone uses the expression "there's a frog in my throat", I now know exactly what he means. You know it's bad when you start thinking "Maybe is I make myself throw up, the feeling will go away". It was probably all that tequila. Having mates bring fancy tequila wasn't helpful. I have so much assorted booze right now. Wine and cheese evening everybody?

Good South African Wood...

2007-08-16T08:14:00.000+02:00

In the gym the other day. Saw someone hot. That got me thinking of someone else. Whammy! It's game time. All this while on the exercise bike with loose fitting tracksuit pants. This is not conducive to losing an erection at all. Now guys get wood almost every morning. It's like a good friend saying greeting you every day. "How' do you do? Happy to see you. You're awesome. Now go pee so I can sit back down". Morning wood can be a good excuse to have sex too.

What's really inconvenient is arousal in a public place. I'm sure the girls don't have half the problems guys have with this though. A girl gets aroused, she gets into clubs for free. A guy has to contend with Woody Harrelson, who no-one really paid to see or anything.

So there I was, in the middle of the gym, have wood will travel. The friction from pedaling wasn't helping either. Now the trick is either to not think about it (Yeah right- easy) or to think about something really disgusting. It's just at those kinda moments that you'll never manage to find the disgusting people in the gym. You know, the ones with the fat roll sticking out of the sweat pants etc. Your mind becomes your worst enemy. That scene from Hostel where the guy cuts the guys tendons and he tries to stand up. BOOBIES! Dead puppies. MORE BOOBIES! Someone crashed into my Ferrari. OOOH LOOK BOOBIES! Granny taking a big sweaty heaving grunting dump....

Did you know girls can buy fake nipples? For those days its not quite cold enough I'm sure. Well at least I think it's mainly for girls to wear. As a guy, who knows what your next dare is gonna be. I see there's also nipple shields, for those girls who're cold all the time it seems ;)

A Little Bit More Country Than You

2007-08-13T08:49:00.000+02:00

Went away for the long weekend. Camping. Well no not camping. More staying in a shelter in the bush. Well there wasn't electricity. But we had hot and cold running water and a fridge. Well the fridge didn't work. But it kept stuff cold anyway. As long as the beers were cold, thats all I was worried about.

I think I'm still not citified yet. I've been living in cities and towns since I was about 13. Grew up on a farm. It was a better farm than normal, largely because my father was only a manager and the farm belonged to a huge chemical company. I never thought I was much of a farm boy till this weekend though. I'll be the first to admit I'm a bit of a wuss. Too fastidious to get down and dirty most of the time. But my friends are way more city than I'll ever be. We basically spent the weekend on a cattle farm and called it "getting away from it all".

Not that I didn't have some fun. I had one of my best friends with me. I had fun despite the thinly veiled attempts of another member of the group to get under my skin. It became very obvious that this guy was deliberately attemting to get in a jab at me time and time again. Why, I have no idea (Ok I lie - I have a smidgeon of a clue). It was kinda tiresome though.

Got back on Sunday, tried to organise poker evening. When that fell through we watched Pathfinder and had takeaways. I have one thing to say about watching the movie - don't. It felt a bit like every Sylvester Stallone movie ever made had been rolled into a ball, used to wipe someones ass, taken back in time to pre-Columbus America and set free on unsuspecting native Americans. It was predictable, bland, had bad special effects, and way too monochromatic for my liking. Not the most horrible movie in the world, but not worth paying for. Not that I paid for it or anything :P

The grass is always greener

2007-08-08T08:29:00.000+02:00

Its so frickkin cold right now. The weather back in Nelspruit was one of the good things about the place. Its so warm, I think because it's trying to offset the rest of Nelspruit. You speak to anyone they'll say "Nelspruit? Crazy place, but the weather - Nice!". I need to restock my Hot Chocolate supplies. Especially since I've been conned into going camping this weekend. Hopefully it'll be warmer up north where we're going ;)

My lawn has been behaving itself so far this year, I think because of the cold. When summer hits that bloody grass gets out of control. I only have about 20 square metres of lawn anyway. Would you pay a gardener R100.00 to mow that much lawn? I didn't think so. But I have started thinking of rabbits, or maybe a goat. That could keep my grass problem under control and provide some good eating later on too. Apparently goat tastes nice.... I'll probably go for rabbits though, they got tat whole cute thing going on. Goats have a bad attitude - it's probably because they know they taste nice ;)

A guide to Nowhere - How to get to the middle and back

2007-08-06T08:36:00.000+02:00

So I spent a week extra down in Hellspruit. This wouldn't have been so bad had it not been for the internet, or lack thereof. We're talking ISDN lines here, minimal and painfully slow browsing. I couldn't access gmail....

How do you explain to someone that they stink? There's this person, works for my parents, and she hones. Like really hones. Some of the other staff, who sometimes aren't the most pleasant smelling individuals, have even complained about the smell. My folks have tried broad hints, like gifts of soap etc. but its not working. I was about to walk in and "accidentally" spill a bottle of perfume on her or something, but thats really only a quick fix. You can't have an accident like that everyday ;)

It's a pity Jerry Springer doesn't do an Afrikaans show, cos the Lowveld is an untapped market. I see huge potential. While I was down there "Stinky's" husband decided to cheat on her. He smells even worse than her, stays at home, doesn't work. They have two kids as well, churning them out like they can afford them or something. anyway so he cheats on her with a married woman. It's a mystery how he managed this, then again I never saw this other woman.

Did I fail to mention how classy these people are? Stinky wears Crocs™ to work. Every day from what I saw. Nasty dirty feet in them too. And about 6 different tops at once, all loud colors. Wow. That kinda represented Nelspruit for me right there.

I did see something that I wanted to get. In one shop there was tourist paraphernalia, spoons and cups and caps etc. you could buy drinking glasses that proudly stated "My friends was in Nelspruit and all they got me was this stupid glass". I'm still trying to figure out if it was intentional or not. Doesn't matter, if I'd gone by that shop again I would buy one for each mate I have ;)

Somewhere out there

2007-07-24T09:29:00.001+02:00

So your favourite cud chewing kitty pic posting blogger is stuck in the arse end of nowhere, Nelspruit. Apparently the citizens having just grasped the concept of the wheel are flat out refusing to even consider the internet. As a result he is unable to post anything at all. So he gave his password to me and told me to come do the deed. I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't trust me with my password. Especially considering I'm alone at the office and it's raining out and I'm a little bored. But then again I suppose I am his brother. Damn, blood spoils all the fun. Anyway I'm sure you will hear from him when he returns. I even found a kitty pic, I'm so sweet; 'yuck, splutter, puke in my mouth a little bit.'

Arbitrary Assortment

2007-07-19T13:40:00.000+02:00

Why doesn't everyone wear their pajamas inside out? They're more comfortable that way. Think about it. The seams will be on the outside and won't bother you. Why do people who make T-shirts put big ass tags right where they can stick you in the neck all day? I cut them off new shirts first thing.

Anyone hungry? I have just the site for you here. There's also a video here thats sure to get those taste buds going. Here's one for dessert. Mmmmmhmmmm ;)

I wanna play guitar like this guy.

I'm trying to remember what that game was with Marie Biscuits. And no I'm not referring to soggy marie you dirty people. Who the hell plays a game like that anyway? Who invented it? All very sick questions. I must admit I laughed myself sore when I read how they use the term in a sentence.

I'm referring to the other game featuring the beloved Marie Biscuit. Something to do with trying to eat 5 in under a minute and then whistle. It was so long ago I tried I can't remember how it went. Maybe it was impossible to eat 5 in a minute? I dunno ;)

Oh - I'm varying things a bit for those of you sick of kitty pics. Shame on you! Here's something different ;)

Issues?

2007-07-18T10:35:00.000+02:00

Something happened over the weekend, but I'm not sure what it was. It was a pretty normal weekend - Paintball, a party, a movie, meeting a friend again. But come Monday I found myself reluctant to post anything. When thinking about what to write I could only really think about one particular issue, which is hard for me to phrase correctly. I suppose I'll give it a try now, get over the hurdle.

I don't have secrets. Not big ones at least. My friends know pretty much everything there is to know about me. There's no intrigues or dirty deeds hidden away. I tell the truth and am very open with friends. The only things I hide, or try to, are feelings. Even that falls away sometimes too.

When I started this blog, it was going to be my secret. I wasn't going to tell anyone about it. At least that way I would feel like I've got something to hide, and know what it feels like. The feeling was mixed. At first my entries tended to be narrations of my daily grind and funny thoughts. Then it got a bit more personal. This is when I really started liking the secrecy, the privacy, the anonymity.

All things come to an end though. I saw the turning point happen right in front of me. I went to my first blogger meet. Getting to know other bloggers personally was alright. If both people know each others blogs it's sort of cancels out. so most of the blog community got to know me, and I them. I don't regret that at all. They're a really cool bunch of people ;)

Shortly after this my first mate found me. I wasn't upset at the time, maybe because I wasn't blogging personal stuff yet, maybe because as my friend he called me soon after and told me about it, asked if it was cool. I have the best mates ever by the way. About 3 or 4 mates know about it now. I'm still cool with that.

Good friends and complete strangers knowing about the blog didn't really phase me. Good friends are there for just that reason, and complete strangers are exactly that for a reason too. What finally got to me was someone who fits right in between those two categories. You know the person, have met them, but don't really know anything at all about them. When someone like that finds out about your blog, its not the greatest feeling in the world, to put it mildly. I'm sure quite a few bloggers can relate.

.......

I just realized I really really hate lengthy diatribes. Stopping now ;)

Where Has All The Sugar Gone?

2007-07-12T21:03:00.001+02:00

OK I am now super pissed off! I had the urge to bake something and so decided to use up the leftover steamed rice to make a rice pudding. It's very easy to make, doesn't take long, uses few ingredients. Looking in the cupboard for the sugar though, I find its somehow disappeared. I bought a whole new bag of sugar 2 weeks ago and its already gone. The only sugar left is a little in the bowl for coffee and tea.

Now anyone who knows me knows I spurn coffee and tea in favor of hot chocolate every time. I don't have sugar in mine either, it's strictly per the instructions on the can. Nestlè forever baby! My few visitors tend to have hot chocolate too, since I make the good stuff. Sugar is not called for much in my home. How then does a whole bag get consumed in 2 weeks? Enter exhibit A - the maid.

I tend to treat my maid well. It's not a whole "white guilt" thing over apartheid or anything, I think I'm just too nice. A maid is an employee. One who goes through all your things on a regular basis though. I tend to think it's generally good policy to treat someone like that kindly. She comes in 1 day a week, and earns a 3 digit amount for her troubles. My efforts seem to have backfired though. What has resulted is someone who instead of appreciating my generosity, has come to take it for granted.

I pay her well, I give her extras from my fridge (as a single guy I always have extra) and I have given her extra or spare or old household items on occasion. What happened next surprised me. When the iron broke (She's the only one who used it, it was 6 months old) I took it back and got a new one. As it was under warranty I gave it in. When I get home she says to me "Ah you got a new iron. WHERE'S THE OLD ONE?". As if I suddenly have one I don't need and she deserves it and wants it. The exact same thing happened when I replaced my microwave. Not satisfied with what she has, she wants more.

When I was still at high school I stole a 10 kilo bag of sugar from the school kitchens. Crazy high school stuff. Took it home and forgot about it in a kitchen cupboard. We never touched it, never opened it. 2 months later there was no trace of it. I have no doubts as to where mine has gone this time. For those of you who would defend my thief, saying no doubt that sugar is cheap, I turn that right back around and say sugar is cheap, why does my maid have to jeopardize my trust in her over some sugar, and I pay her well enough to afford her own.

PS. I just dumped the dregs of the sugar bowl out. I'm not buying more again. Lets see how she survives now :)

You've Been Warned

2007-07-10T22:08:00.000+02:00

I have determined that facebook is in serious need of some amusement. My amusement that is. The thing is becoming too big and confusing. Peoples profiles are starting to look as disgustingly jumbled as myspace pages. I can't stand all the unnecessary kak thats come into it. Unless it serves a specific, useful purpose to me, I'm not gonna use it.

One fun thing I did early on already was to poke every one of my friends. Then I've never acknowledged their return pokes. This effectively renders me unpokeable. It'll also irritate anyone who does try to poke me as they'll be denied. You only poke things when they're dead.

The slap, tickle, kiss buttons have also gotta go. I haven't determined how to undermine them yet, maybe through inappropriate slaps and tickles. what I'm really looking forward to though is this new thing called the "Honesty Box". It basically lets you tell your friends what you think of them anonymously. How awesome is that? I cannot wait to try out "My ass still hurts from what you did to it last night" in the honesty box ;)

Birthday Bashes

2007-07-09T09:14:00.000+02:00

This turned out to be a weekend of birthday parties. Friday night I went to one at Tanza Nites (Not a bad club/restaurant/cocktail bar - I wish these places would pick a category). They seed the dance floor by starting things off with their own dancers. 3 hot women gyrating in tight skimpy clothing to various tunes, then opened floor to everyone. That place got packed quick. I must say I'm sick of clubs in Joburg right now - it's bloody cold so everyone's inside and everyone's smoking.

Saturday was also a birthday party. I managed to squeeze in some paintball in the afternoon. I kicked ass this time. Twice I had to take out the whole other team by myself in speedball. My legs only started to ache from all that running on Sunday.

Birthday party Saturday night at Brightwater Commons. We ate at a place called Sahara. It's one of those turkish type places where you can rent hubblies and there's an obligatory belly dancer. The hubblies succeeded in smoking up the place real good what with the closed doors and all. Also that place does the worst kebab on the planet. They mince lamb first, combine it with tomato and onion, make little meatballs, and skewer them together. Luckily I didn't have that but my mate eventually gave up eating it was so bad. The waitress actually asked if he was Albanian or something, because apparently the kebab is an acquired taste. Why the hell didn't she say that earlier? Why don't they put that on the menu? A little note saying "This tastes like kak!" would help.

It's still freezing here in Joburg. I remember using the steering wheel to numb the pain of my hand (I tore a patch of skin off playing paintball). Sunday featured a lunch with a friend, and poker in the evening. I was still pretty tipsy from lunch playing poker, good thing we didn't play for money. I do have a game lined up fro Friday though playing for cash. turns out one of the guys from Friday night's party has regular poker evenings. Looks like I'm in ;)

Lemon Drops & Wet Coughs

2007-07-05T09:44:00.000+02:00

So it turns out I had a cold for about 2 days. The poppers had no effect at all then. No dreaded headache, nothing. I still think drugs are stupid though. M'kay! I got a little homeopathic throat spray which is actually turning out to be a winner. I put the beatdown on that cold ;)

So I hopefully finished my blog for the time being last night. Most everybody local has a link to the left here. I may have missed one or two but its easier to add people now so no biggie. I finally have everything laid out almost how I want it ;)

While I was screwing around with blogs I found a couple of interesting websites. This one here is a blog rating website. You feed in the address and it gives you age restriction. You'll be pleased to know that yours truly has a PG rating. And you guys thought I was bad. Shame ;)

Couldn't resist feeding some more blogs in to see what they're rated. the results were interesting.

Rated G: General Audiences All ages admitted - Ostendo

Rated PG: Parental guidance suggested - Fuzzy Logic, Koekie, Ex-Granny Wrangler, Revolving Credit

Rated R: Restricted Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian - Betenoir, Golden Beagle, Phlippy

Rated NC-17: No one 17 and under admitted - Peas, Steph, Champers, Boldly Benny, Kevin

So myself and Rev score PG. Daedalus comes out super clean with his all ages rating. The three dodgiest guys on the SA blog scene? Ha! In Your Face! Meanwhile the people voted most likely to teach your kids new dirty words are the most popular out there. OK I saw Kevin's rating coming from miles away. Oh what a tangled world wide web we weave ;)

Lessons

2007-07-02T08:35:00.000+02:00

Spent a day or two last week trying to get this blog sorted out. Did the whole template thing, making it wider - it's still a little buggy. Also getting my links in order, making little english translations hover over them. I still need to finish all this however.

Ever wonder what it would be like to be able to give yourself some good advice? So you can prevent things from happening? I would like to talk to myself last Friday and tell me that -

Don't blow into a cup to get it clean. You're going to get close and personal to whatever dirt there is in there.
The guys at Randburg Raceway with the go-carting are a bunch of douchebags. Anyone who uses the words "My friend" a lot, very clearly is not your friend. They gave us way too much hassle on Saturday when we went racing. Never go there.
Don't sniff the little brown bottle of liquid everyone is passing around at the party. It may turn out to be poppers.
Don't sniff it again so they can take a photo of how red your face gets when you do.
Don't sniff it again cos the flash wasn't working properly.
Poppers doesn't really do anything hectic besides a second or two of headrush. But it may have aggravated/caused my runny nose the whole of Sunday.
Bring all your wine and cheese up from Cape Town with you in the cabin. The one cheese opened at my Wine & Cheese evening yesterday smelled and tasted exactly like cabbage.

Some things musical to cheer me up - Nightwish have a new singer. Anette still has a while to get used to the band obviously, but I look forward to new songs. Within Temptation released a new album, with a music video that managed to get onto MTV. Hopefully this'll mean they get more recognition. I found some new band called Kwoon from their video on Youtube which is really awesome. It has a very surreal feel to it, reminds me a bit of "Smashing Pumkins - Tonight, Tonight "in a way. The music is also really awesome and I'm giving last.fm a spin to find similar artists.

Eyebrow To Your Wisdom

2007-06-26T15:44:00.000+02:00

The holiday post! As some of you may or may not know, I recently journeyed to that city way deep down south of us. That place with a big mountain, and lots of Bergies. Yes I'm talking about Cape Town. Seeing as I'd never really been down before I figured it was about time. Plus I got to see my brother again, which is always good.

It wasn't hard finding a traveling companion, my friend kinda sorta invited herself along. This was fortuitous as my brother landed himself a job so we couldn't spend as much time together as I'd planned on. At least now I had someone to tackle Cape Town with.

We tackled the wine farms (cos that's what you do - the vodka and tequila farms are scarce). Some cheeses might also have been purchased along the way. Note to everyone - go to a winefarm off the beaten track - they're much more liberal with their tastings. the rest of the 10 days was spent all over the city. Hout Bay, Kalk Bay, Mowbray etc. *lol*. We even took the time to visit Cape Point and tour the Cape Peninsula.

The wine flowed particularly well, I have never drunk so much wine before as I did. Suffice to say wine hangovers are a mother! The cheeses were also good, although coupled with no exercise I gained a couple of kilos in my stay. The stay might have been just a little too long though because towards the end I was having my faults pointed out to me by all and sundry. That and the fact that I seem to have a raised eyebrow response to virtually anything that has become automatic. It's only the one eyebrow, I think because I have a scar above the other eye. Word of warning - never try control an involuntary muscle movement when you've drunk too much wine, your forehead will go nuts ;)

2 much hassle right now

2007-06-25T09:27:00.000+02:00

Got back from Cape Town to find my kitty pic server had crashed. I do keep other stuff on it, it just tends to primarily serve as kitty pic storage. It's now past the stage of retrieval (I think). Damn you Windows XP for making Vista look appealing right now. Between this and having to redo my entire site, screw around with the template, create all my links again, I'm not very keen on doing this right now. I just got back from holiday! I'll tell you all about it later during the week when everything is sorted out ;)

You're Good At Everything!

2007-06-12T14:57:00.000+02:00

Any time you find yourself doing something and think to yourself or say to someone else "I'm so terrible at this", stop yourself and think this thought - "There's tons of people who are way worse than me at doing this!". It's true! You are never the ultimate loser (except for that guy who actually is the ultimate loser, but don't worry - he hasn't found the internet yet). There's always gonna be someone out there who makes your pathetic attempt at something look like art. Even if it actually is art (I'm not big on art - most of this modern stuff looks horrible to me) ;P

Self Control

2007-06-12T14:44:00.000+02:00

A funny thing about self control. I seem to have misplaced mine You can wait all of 5 months for the newest book of your favorite author to come out. When news is that it's out, you check the IRC channels daily for a release (yes - too impatient for normal bookstores thank you very much). You finally get this book that you've been waiting so long for. What do you do? Do you a) put it aside for a rainy day b) ration yourself to a certain amount of chapters a week c) read that fucker like theres no tomorrow and finish it in under 4 hours? Take one guess what I did. And no it's not a) or b). I felt like such a twit afterwards. Sated yes, fulfilled yes, dumbass yes...

Just 8 more months to wait till the next one....

Dungeons and what now?

2007-06-12T14:10:00.000+02:00

When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to go near Dungeons and Dragons. I remember the first I heard of it my brother got to play it at a friends house. My mom flipped her lid. This was the 80's, she was a bit Christian, and SRA was big!

Now in case you're wondering what SRA is, it stands for Satanic Ritual Abuse. I stumbled across the entry on wiki the one day, and everything clicked into place. Crap like this was the reason my mother thought that stuff was satanic. It was also the biggest probably influence for her continued distaste for all written fantasy. At least at boarding school I had Pratchett and Jordan. I'm still having trouble grasping the effect a bloody stupid moral panic had on my life.

Yes it was the 80's. Yes we lived on a farm. Yes Madonna was satanic (she still is apparently), and the First National Bank tree logo had a rabbit holding an AK-47 shooting a crocodile or some such (I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean) and lets not forget our dear old friend Prince was also supposedly satanic. Maybe thats why he changed his name... His new symbol didn't help with the fear mongers though. What they must have thought of Ozzie is beyond me.

I would like to take this time to thank those Christians who drove me down the path of atheism to where I am today. The meetings on neighbors farms for mass to pray for the one lady to please "get a BMW soon please God thank you". You all blindly panicked at anything new and unknown and labeled it satanic. I was 7 when I figured out I was smarter than you. The preacher in school who had no passion for his work, couldn't argue religion, and couldn't be trusted with confession. Without all you guys I would probably never have known where to find all the interesting stuff ;)

The Great Canned Post Debacle : Chapter One

2007-06-12T12:28:00.000+02:00

So in light of my trip to Cape Town I'm taking a little time aside and making some posts just to keep things rolling. They won't be current event "this is what's pissing me off today" stuff, but they'll be normal blog fare. Without further adieu I give you...

How Would You Like Your Friends Prepared?

Have you ever noticed how people have groups of friends? They herd them like cattle, careful not to mix them. It's as if various friends are pedigree dogs and they don't want crossbreeding taking place. Not that your friends would hook up if they happened to meet, but what's the harm in it?

I spoke about this topic with a friend the other day. He told me the reason is some friends might not like your other friends. This is total bull. Sure there is a chance that may happen, but who are you hanging out with thats gonna be so touchy? What people are going to have an instant dislike for someone else? They already both like you, so they have something similar already. If you're that scared of that shit happening, why are you hanging out with those people? I'm not speaking about friends who already have a history though, just people who've never met.

Facebook makes it very easy to see who's hiding who away. You can browse friend's friends lists, and see how great a separator your mate is. Rule of thumb - you have one or less friends in common, and this person is a good friend of yours, they're holding out on you. I liked to separate my smarties by color and eat them in the rainbow order, but that didn't mean I was afraid eat them all jumbled up.

What really grated me (and prompted this post) was meeting someone totally new, and then having a friend who's known that person for ages later tell me "Oh you know So-And-So, you're really getting out there and meeting people nowadays". What is this bullshit? I now know someone, meeting them through a completely different circle, who you have known for years but didn't see fit to introduce us. Thanks for pointing that out to me, I feel so much better now.

Myself, I love to mix friends up and see what happens. Have a party and invite everyone. And something great might happen. You might find that some friends operate in very similar circles, but never run into each other. A couple of my friends met at one of my parties last year, and they now hang out together more than with me. I don't begrudge them that, in fact it makes me happy.

Sure some of your mates might not get along, but that could just be the one time. I know from personal experience that meeting me on the wrong day will not endear me into most strangers good books. Any other time I can be very pleasant. It's very random, depends on my mood. Good friends form when you learn to look past the "one time at that party" or "he said that" or "I can't believe you said that". To a large extent it all depends on how much alcohol's available at the party, and the general mood, and how many times you've gone out or talked together. A little laughter goes a long way to building friendships ;)

Tasting schmasting

2007-06-10T18:03:00.000+02:00

The best part about dancing to Loud Hard Clubbing tracks in the safety and comfort of your own home is no-one else gets to see. And you can pull crazy insane pimp moves, while wearing your chicken feet slippers, that you would never attempt in a club. And you can dance to whatever you like no matter the lame-itude. Yes its been one strange weekend people.

Friday night was a wine tasting at the Sandton Hilton. A lot of old rich people in a room pretending the stuff doesn't taste like sour grape juice. I mean, Beer was around 5000 years before wine, but you never see beer tastings. I made light of the affair by only describing the bouquet in terms of processed foods. "A hint of jelly babies with just the slightest tang of marmite". That didn't stop us from trying the really expensive kak "R1200 a bottle you say? Yeah I'll have a little more, fill it up further this time OK".

The group of us did the rounds of the place (very crowded hotel hall) and then popped outside for some eats. Grant being organized and knowing that tasting usually don't supply snacks had brought some crackers and cheeses for us to nibble. We set up at a vacant table and started eating. Next minute some old dude barges in and starts helping himself to our snacks, all the while chatting away to everyone, like its free chow. The plastic bag was still on the table and we were using a leatherman to cut cheese. Still, no-one said anything - it's funny how lots of wine makes you roll with everything. We all had a good giggle any time the guy's back was turned to us. Needless to say he was very apologetic when he found out eventually. I maintain he was wasted, the others maintain he was a shifty thieving con-artist bastard.

After the wine tasting I popped over to that really uncomfortable, smoke filled hellhole called Manhattans. I only go there for very good reasons, and there was a very good one. I also got to see a Fatality and a Blue 52 in action (I mentioned the video back here). It was worth the sore eyes, smoke smelling clothes and general uncomfortable feeling I get from clubs ;)

Saturday morning i got to catch up with a really good friend, it's been ages since we last went out and just talked etc. I think I helped him out with some computer stuff as well, sort of, he may still be clueless ;)

The rest of the weekend I stayed inside and indulged my inner introvert. He hasn't come out in a really long time, so we jammed for most of the weekend. I read 5 books, studied, watched 2 movies (Amelie can really cheer me up anytime, and the other movie was very funny too, but sad - my eyes did this thing where they leak salty water, I have no idea what thats about) and played a couple of TV games.

I also found the time to research something new. I like to know little things about a lot of things. This time it was fashion. Specifically shoes. This impulse may have been inspired by someone I know ;) I knew all about Jimmy Choo's and Prada, but I'd never heard of Manolo Blahnik, Ferragamo, Beverly Feldman, Bruno Magli, Roger Vivier or Kate Spade. I don't watch S.I.T.C. OK! But for what its worth I know a little more about a very big subject. There were actually quite a few shoes I wouldn't mind seeing on the right woman ;)

meh

2007-06-07T23:36:00.000+02:00

I don't feel like putting a picture up today. I don't feel like blogging anymore. I don't feel like reading blogs and I really don't feel like commenting on any blogs. I'm really fine guys, just something really upset me and I don't wanna talk about it. I promise to get back to normal soon. Sorry. Please don't worry.

Things that make you go ROFL

2007-06-07T11:23:00.000+02:00

Watching TV last night. There's some infomercial on for some sort of Vibrating Exercise Machine. The funniest though is they have user comments on how marvelous the damn thing is (as always). There's a little old granny comes on and says "You stand on it. You push a little button. And you go to heaven!"...

Now I don't know about you guys, but this must be the dirtiest little old lady I've ever heard. Don't they have some sorta quality control at Verimark for their adverts? Or are they secretly trying to push the machine as a sex toy. I've stood on one of those things before as a joke before. It wasn't quite as funny when I got hard in seconds. The vibrations do something downstairs thats quite alright IF you're not in the middle of a mall. I got off it before I got off, if you know what I mean ;)

I felt like listening to "The Power of Love" by Jennifer Rush this morning. You know that old song. Sometimes you have a song in your head and you gotta hear it. So I went to Youtube, my favorite source for media of any kind. I've never seen the music video before, but it was so hectically 80's I had to laugh. Big hair, big T-shirts, big Walkman, everything is just lovely! Nothing beats the 80's when it comes to stuff to rip off.

Darkest Fears

2007-06-05T08:19:00.000+02:00

It was a dark and Stormy night. OK I might be lying here. It was last night. It wasn't really stormy. But it was dark. Being night you can see how this was possible. But the real horrors of this story are yet to be revealed. Continue reading at your peril dear reader....

Whats the scariest thing you can imagine? The scariest I can imagine is that when/if Chuck Norris ever dies there's going to be back to back Walker Texas Ranger festivals on TV for weeks. OK so let's make it the second scariest thing. That would be your calculator dying on you in the middle of a maths exam. OK so the THIRD scariest thing that could ever happen is -

Picture the scene. You have an exam the following day. As the sun starts to set and it begins to become lights on time, all the electronics in your house suddenly vanish. Thats right! I have an exam today, and last night the power went out. Wanna know whats really screwed up though? Everywhere else had power. It was just our complex that didn't. How screwed up is that?

Luckily i wasn't deprived of food, having a gas braai I turned it on and had a steak. Then went across to a mates place and chatted for a while, seeing as the fates were onviously conspiring against my studies. Who am I to argue with fate? Nobody! So I figured I'd do some chilling instead. Now the day has arrived. I'm strangely very calm, as evidenced by this post made the morning of an exam. We'll see how it goes, I have mediocre hopes for it ;)

Friday 11 PM....

2007-06-01T22:30:00.000+02:00

There's something elegant to changing a car's gears well. Knowing your car so well that it becomes instinctive, changing gears up or down for what speed you're driving/want to drive at. It depends also on your vehicle. Changing gears well and smoothly in an expensive car is easy - that's what it's made to do. Changing gears smoothly in a cheap ass, bottom of the range, skedonk, is harder, so the payoff is much greater. You have to gauge the speed much better then.

I've been asked before "How do you manage to do all those things at once? Turn, change gears and indicate?". I don't really know what to say to that, you just gotta drive a lot more. Mostly chicks ask those kinds of questions though. I'm not saying it's necessarily a girl vs. guy thing, just that's the people that ask.

And in other news I attended the blogger meet at Paddys this evening. I kinda sorta fell off that wagon I was on. I place the blame squarely on the Ostendo crew, because I can. One innocent little cider somehow led to a Jagerbomb, which led to....

....

I've just realized this is so totally a drunk post. I really gotta keep these seperate to my normal posts ;)

PS. Don't tell Champers I fell off the wagon. She may be in Ivory Coast right now but her wrath is legendary ;P

PPS. In 12 days I'm going to Cape Town. Brace yourselves! I'll be there for 10 days so I'll have a lotta time to soak things up ;)

I Have Issues

2007-05-30T11:09:00.000+02:00

Woke up feeling really weird. Had a bad dream. You know you have problems when you have dreams about those problems. The shit doesn't want to leave you alone. The worst part is it's not even me. Well sorta my problem, but it's about someone else's problem, and my problem with it.

Sometimes I wish I could be a complete unfeeling bastard. You know the kinda person who feels nothing telling a beggar to fuck off. The kind of person who treats women with disdain, and somehow manages to still have them falling over each other to be with him. The guy who can just let things be, so what if a friend is screwed up, so what that someone said this, so what that someone is upset with him. The guy who can tell people to fuck off and mean it.

Trying to stay in touch with your inner cynic can be hard when you have thoughts like these. I know I can be really insensitive and callous, but it's usually about something that has no bearing on my life. I have a repertoire of really tasteless jokes that I find amusing. I can't help laughing if I hear about someone dying in a stupid way, or people doing something stupid, as people are wont to do.

Friends and family will always come first with me though, and my mood will reflect theirs. There's no limit to what I will do for them. I don't find anything amusing about someone close to me suffering. I know I'm not that unfeeling guy, and I can't be him. The me right now thinks that guy is a douche.

Smell Hell

2007-05-27T22:27:00.000+02:00

After a fun filled, but cold, Saturday, I ended it off at a mates house party. Suffice to say that space around the fire was at a premium. I came away from the party smelling of smoke. Braai smoke and weed smoke actually. There was a lot of that action going around. I REALLY hate smelling like smoke, any kind. There's nothing worse than getting home and realizing your warm jacket/jersey will have to be washed now before you can wear it again.

Sunday was spent lazing around in slippers and PJ's the whole day. I only got changed in the evening for our poker game. Left the slippers on though. I'm loving them right now. Warm and totally ridiculous. I might just wear them out in public soon ;P

There's something that has been bothering me for a while. I'm not sure who among you are familiar with Crumbed Camembert cheese. What basically happens is you coat the Camembert in crumbs and fry in oil. Then you can eat it with jam, jelly or figs for contrast. I did this a little while ago, mixing in some Brie chunks with the Camembert. While I was eating this normally tasty snack, I noticed a quite unmistakable odor. It was emanating from one of the cheeses.

Lets just say it was a "manly" odor. The word "musky" also springs to mind. Some words that rhyme with words describing the substance in question are - drunk, bum, seamen, fizz, germ, prism... I could go on. Having initially confused the two cheeses, I was horrified to think of all those people who profess a love for fried Camembert, my own mother included. If it smelled like that and you still eat it, then you're definitely a swallower. But it turns out it was the Brie all along *Phew*. So just a note for all the guys out there. Ask them if they like Brie first ;P

I played around with veoh on the weekend. It's pretty fun. I watched the first episode of ALF, that sitcom from the eighties with the little hairy guy. It's pretty dated, but it's still a classic.

Party all the time

2007-05-24T23:23:00.000+02:00

So I had that "My girl wants to party all the time" song going back and forth through my head the whole evening. With the internet so freely available these days, I've become much more reliant on it for searching for the most basic facts. I had to find out what that song was called and who sang it.

Youtube is a blessing for music. Its the fastest, easiest way to hear a song. Music sites make you trawl through crap first. So I went on and discovered the song was by Sharam. Once I knew what to look for I found the song in my collection and listened to it a couple of times, just to clear those head music waves.

What I cannot seem to resist though is the related videos section next to the video playing. I click away, jumping from one to the next. You get some pretty random stuff when you do this though, so be warned! I moved through one or two videos this way and then found Clubbing Techniques 101.

This is basically a video by some dude in a spiderman costume and features a couple of minutes of him trying to teach us some basic clubbing maneuvers with the help of some chick he hired off of Craigslist!?!? He's also about the most gangsta spiderman I've ever seen. Word Yo! The video features some hilarious moves, none of which I've ever had the good fortune to see in action. I almost fell of my chair when he demonstrated "The Wave".

I'm not dissing my spider homey though. If that shit works for him then fine. He also got in some good bump 'n grind with his lovely ass-istant as well, so if a brother can get his end off like dat then big up to him ;P

I'm gonna listen to that song again. Party all the time people! ;P

Drinking leads to drunk

2007-05-23T23:17:00.000+02:00

Cleaning up around the house. Started off looking for a bloody torch, then realized how much crap gets piled in my cupboards. So I was sorting shit. Found some interesting things, most of which very techie related - a sentech modem, assorted phone and other chargers, cables (various), screws, static packets, CD's and DVD's, books. I also found a notebook...

Pagin through it had some accounting on the first couple of pages. Then some phone numbers. Next page had pizza place's number. Then the elvish alphabet from Lord of the rings and how to write my name in it. Then a list of obscure movies I want to see someday. Then my recipe for Chocolate cake (behave!), then a couple of blank pages (???), then a ranked list of poker hands, and to round it off (I obviously lost track of the notebook after this) a blog entry.

It seems I got back real late one night and instead of going to sleep, I watched TV and wrote about what I was thinking while doing so. I think its safe to say I was fairly fucking trashed at the time. I'm trying to puzzle together the actual thoughts going on at the time, because it's mostly keywords. Here's most of whats written down (with arrows etc. mostly verbatim):

Drink -> inhibitions hesitate?

12:00 -> e Porn? Pensacola -> hot blonde

High Stakes Poker -> 2 serious

Cricket Music Vids SABC Africa -> AM TV SUX!

01:00 -> change e-tv

Passion B4 midnight (I looked up this movie just now, the review mentions "aging porn star" twice...)

Party -> gay guy -> not safe 2 talk (this is obviously in reference to the preceding party)

e-tv -> rubbing obviously no penetration, chick not moving like there's something inside her

chick hot tho

CAN'T SLEEP -> DRUNK watch tv

CAN'T WATCH THIS CRAP!!!!!

(then there's a break and the notes continue on the next page, but far more lucid)

The muscles in arm appear to be twitching to the beat of music on the TV. This is cool. Don't understand why they bother to simulate sex. Why don't they just do it and get it over with? Much rather watch SABC Africa than this crap. Am so not aroused right now.

I have just realised this may be my most cryptic post to date. The rambling of a very drunk chewy, in print! Maybe it's a good thing I'm on the wagon for now. Sayonara peeps!

Take what you can, Give nothing back!

2007-05-22T23:19:00.000+02:00

Interesting Tuesday. Parent's are up in Johannesburg. So I take them to Sandton City to get mother some perfume. We walk into a shop there and she tries a couple, then we go off for coffee and to test the fragrances longevity.

Queue Mugg and Bean. I had Luxury Hot Chocolate, which is good. mom had this blend of Hot Chocolate, coconut and coffee which was just incredible. Anyway so we talk about various shit as we are wont to do. Dad starts on about the sickly sweet smell of perfume shops. Really they can get a bit strong. He's having trouble with describing it though until finally he says "it smells like a week old dead baby in a sugar cane field". At this point I blew Hot Chocolate out of my nose. See I know he knows what that smells like, him being a farmer once and all ;)

We went back to the shop and got a fragrance (not a dead baby one, it was rose I think) then back to their hotel. I got home just in time to get a call asking if I wanted to do a guys movie night. Abso-bloody-lutely! John reckons he's sick of Sandton so why don't we try Hyde Park. I went onto the Nu-Metro website while we talked and lo and behold Hyde Park Nu-Metro was doing a sneak preview of Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

We book tickets online cos we reckon it'll be packed. Turned out it was a bigger secret than most people knew. Or maybe Johannesburg is too cold to go out right now. I don't think thats the case because I ran into quite a few people I knew, and at least one blogger. We had a few drinks before the movie (non-alcoholic for me thanks, still on the wagon), and then went in. I think there were about 20 of us watching ;)

I thought the film was a bit long. It had some legendary funny bits, and I enjoyed it a lot more than say Spiderman 3. It was a way more surreal than any of the other ones, with even more impossible, unrealistic stunts. Here's a sneak peak I took with my phone...

Thats right! 20 minutes into the movie the film caught fire. The funniest thing to ever happen to a movie in my life! I could have died happy right there ;)

The whole movie (including burn time) let us get out of there at half ten. So it was two and a half hours. Short run to the car in the freezing cold and a couple of minutes after that I'm here writing it all down sos I don't forget ;P

They keep me locked up in this cage

2007-05-22T08:59:00.000+02:00

I had no idea that Tara hospital was so close to my place. I knew there was a psychiatric hospital somewhere in Joburg, but never really figured. But so a while back now a mate of mine's car broke down and he needed to borrow cash from his mom to fix it. As it turns out she works at Tara.

So I go pick him up from his place, with obligatory homey, and we set off. It wouldn't have been a proper outing if we didn't stop for booze, which we did. Then we cruised to the hospital. It's hidden right in the suburbs in Sandton. You go in amongst all these swanky homes, make a couple of turns and you're suddenly at a security gate.

Of course at this point the dude riding shotgun has found the metallica folder on the CD and proceeds to crank out "Sanitarium" from my car stereo. We got let around the security checkpoint cos my mates mom is pretty high up. There's us, 3 irreverent motherfuckers in a shitty white Tazz, getting whizzed past all the other people in Audis and Mercs, all the while blaring out "SANITARIUM, LEAVE ME BE...".

We get to the main building and my mate goes off in search of mommy. Meanwhile the two of us left behind are trying to score a straight jacket off the staff. I don't wanna know what they thought of us, but we never got our jacket. I still reckon if I could get one I'd be clubbing in it right now. It would be uber ;)

Whipped out as quick as we got in. People were getting checked both ways. Searching the trunks etc. Dunno what they were expecting to find. If I was a guard there I'd be "You got any crazies in the car? Any crazies? No? You want one?" ;P

Hiatus? Hiatusses? Hiates? Haiti?

2007-05-19T12:36:00.000+02:00

I'm sorta back! What with a week of study and all, not blogging helped a bit. As I write this its a Saturday and I have a beautiful woman in the kitchen cooking my lunch ;P Does it get any better? (No I don't have a girlfriend, she's just a friend)

I started thinking about normal last night. Do we consider ourselves normal, do others, what makes a person normal? Normal is strange because it's determined by the majority. It's a set standard that most people adhere to. But normal differs from place to place, and group to group.

I would definitely say that I'm not normal. Most people who know me would say that too. I have no problems admitting that, in fact I relish it. I do not class myself as completely weird though, just different. Some might even say special ;P

You get a taste of what different people consider normal when you talk to new people. Different cultures norms mean there's always going to be someone out there you would consider abnormal. Some people like to eat all their food cold, some people don't drink any hot liquids, other people only drink hot liquids. Any of 1000 different things sets us apart from everyone else.

And then you have behavior. Manly behavior, such as scratching your balls in public, farting, belching. I'm afraid I'm not that much of a man. Girly behavior like ....... I'm drawing a blank ;) Social behavior, what we do and say in front of other people, how we relate to other people. Anyone who watched us when we're alone by ourselves would class us all as abnormal though ;P

"You are so intense"

2007-05-13T21:23:00.000+02:00

What an intense and beautiful weekend... or beautifully intense.. or intensely beautiful ( ;P ). We popped in to say hi to a really cool bird whose birthday it was on Friday. In case you're wondering what the first bit is about, apparently I'm intense, which happens to trump beautiful, especially when its in reference to you and your mate in a cafè, (the latter being called beautiful), from a highly inebriated, highly gay dude (I really gotta stop wearing black).

Saturday was boring, Sunday "Blades of Glory" happened and poker too. Blades of Glory owns! I laughed so hard. Poker was a bit weird, newcomer came, he smelt like cheese, burped and farted. I was more than a little happy to see the guys go. Luckily for me he probably won't be back. I won again! ;P

I'm not gonna be able to blog regularly for the next while. Will try to sneak a post in whenever I can. Just a friendly warning. If you're looking for interesting reading while I'm gone, pick a link. There's some really nice ones just waiting for you ;P

I Tell You No Lies

2007-05-09T18:12:00.001+02:00

I have an aunt. She's a nymphomaniac (Well she used to be, getting old now) who works for the breweries . She's also very probably an alcoholic. And she's probably very well on her way to senility or alcohol-related dementia. I found this out the other day :

She needs everything to be clean. Very, obsessively clean. She cannot try on clothes and put them back, they have to be washed, no matter how short a time they were on. My mother sent her some clothes, but she can't try them on. This is because she won't change into them when she's dirty, and if she's just clean she won't change into them either because then she'll have to wash them and she doesn't want to do that if they don't fit.

I'm still trying to figure it out. I really hope I age well. Not getting a couple of free crates of beer a month with my job will help a lot towards that I think ;)

E-rotten-ica

2007-05-09T14:21:00.000+02:00

I have a friend who gets really bored at work. This coupled with an internet connection is bad news. He sends me links all day long. There's some really funny shit out there if you look hard. Yesterday he sent me a couple of links to movies, comics, news stories, and the finale for the day was www.truedirtystories.com. I dunno where he dug it up, or even if it's intentionally funny or not. Regardless it illustrates a very good point - men can't write erotica for shit!

Guys (thats us) that actually take time to compose this drivel (all 10 lines of the average story) must be qualifying for some kind of disability grant. Mental disability. Then I realised that the only ones getting turned on by this crap were the ones writing it and others like them. Either the average man is seriously deficient, or this represents a minority I have yet to encounter. Maybe they need short stories without any big words so they can blow their loads quicker.

This makes the average porno look tasteful too. It was fascinating, like a car crash that you can't look away from. Words and sentences kept popping up. "Pounding my shaved cooch", "I love your 10 inch meat", "my 7-inch-long warrior into her moist pussy". It even has a section for the 50 most unlikely stories. I'm willing to bet there isn't one true story up there though. If you can be out and about having sex, you won't waste time writing about it there.

When women write, or intelligent guys, they come up with stuff like this. Well mostly, I'm sure there's bad ones there too though. At least there, even if it doesn't claim to be true (Why do we even need true stories anyway?) you'll get a semblance of the English language, with perhaps some plot, maybe even 2 or more pages to a story. Basically a hardcore womens novel, or excerpts from one, sort of thing.

And another thing that grinds my gears (lol), who the fuck is measuring their wangs? Are these guys getting hard for the express purpose of measurement? I can honestly say I've never had my dick in one hand and a tape measure in the other. That situation has never occurred! There'd probably be all kinds of logistical problems if I tried anyway. I'd need to send out a search party to find the tip for a start... ;P

Mad crazy rant over. These guys should stop wasting ours and their time and just watch porno.

Unconcious Subconcious

2007-05-09T09:46:00.000+02:00

This is not working. How am I supposed to concentrate when it sounds like theres a bloody quarry outside my window? Hammering, chiseling, that scraping sound made when they straighten out fresh concrete... Stuff this I'm playing with my new installation of windows vista. Thats right - I gave in to the dark side. So far it's not that bad, I'm still waiting for the "Critical error - insert blood sacrifice to proceed" screen to show up.

I really stepped in it last night. Had a few friends come over. One came early to grab windows messenger, and then proceeded to drool over music in my collection I didn't even realise I had. She left and then about 10 minutes later, my dewd showed up. He'd finished work and came by for a chat and nachos.

We messed around, made fun of that top model show on TV (neither one of us watches TV anymore), he got some new movies from me. Then just when I'd made us green tea, I dropped the ball. Or maybe he did. The conversation got around to crime and murders etc. He stopped me from telling him a story because of something I'd been completely unaware of until now.

Apparently he has a theory about stuff you associate with, encounter, think about affecting your subconscious mind. This led to him explaining to me the whole power of the mind, how what we think about affects what happens to us, what we dream. He avoids bad thoughts like crime, torture and murder etc. He even censures what news he receives and avoids unpleasant conversation topics. All this to keep him in a constant state of bliss.

I tried to stay interested during all this but he must have realised that I was trying not to laugh. Something in me has trouble with serious conversations. I concede that he has a point about the power of the mind, I know it can be a very powerful tool, but a 15 minute lecture on it from a close friend, when I'm only marginally interested in the subject had me wondering what to do to act involved. I obviously failed because he left soon after, very abruptly. I sent an apology sms, explaining my shortcomings (like I said, there's quite a few of them) and it seems asa though he's cool. I really worry about offending people inadvertently sometimes, especially friends.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you instead?

2007-05-06T21:23:00.000+02:00

Hit some balls around at a driving range on Saturday. Watched mad Chinese people race Dragon Boats around Florida Lake on Sunday. I would deem it an acceptably enjoyable weekend.

I remember last year sometime people went mad with lists. Dinner parties or whatever, if you could meet any 10 people who would they be? I never paid much attention because I can never seem to make up my mind. But I started keeping a list of ten dead people I would like to meet. Yesterday the list was finished ;P

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you - Ten people Chewy would like to meet sometime but he can't because they are dead now list. In no particular order.

Jim Henson - Muppet's make the world go round.

Richard Pryor - Arguably the funniest guy ever.

My Grandfather - The guy who died 2 years before I was born. We would have got along so well.

Winston Churchill - Kickass dude! Pride, Power, No crap offa nobody ;)

George Harrison - The funniest Beatle. Only 2 more bullets and they're all back together again ;)

Bob Marley - Singing sweet songs...

Bruce Lee - 3 horrible movies with the best fight scenes ever ;)

Jan Smuts - Seriously just check this guy out. I would vote for this guy over Mandela any day of the week.

Che Guevara - I don't dig communists, but this guy was determined.

John Henry 'Doc' Holliday - It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds ;P

Now that thats over with I should probably put a disclaimer up. Something along the lines of reserving the right to change my mind, yadda yadda yadda. The normal crap I spew forth to make life interesting and different.

I can't believe I gave you guys wiki links. I should have just said - "You can damn well copy paste yourself. Besides which if you don't know who any of these guys are you're in trouble anyway". Hmmm - there don't seem to be any chicks in here though...

Here's my impression of wikipedia. "There are five fingers on the human hand [citation needed]"

Cracks me up ;P

Thank You

2007-05-04T10:50:00.000+02:00

I was thinking the other day about how I started out on this road some like to call blogging. I re-read my first post, tried to get in touch with that person I was back then. Then I started thinking about the people who inspired me. This is a thank-you to those fellow bloggers, that I've been meaning to write, but Kevin's post today galvanized me to write it now.

My Brother - I knew about blogs but never considered them worthy of wasting my time on. Your's was my first boet. Alas it no longer exists, but while it lasted I would surreptitiously sneak on while at work and read what you did that day, and what you were thinking. It kept me in touch when we were apart.

Peas - for being the first blog I read outside my brother's. Yours was one of his 3 links or so at the time. I could not get over the horrible pink at first and ignored it for about a month. Then I did what probably hundreds have people have done by now. I wondered what that crazy blogging chick was doing, and went back for more. You've been one of the biggest influences in firstly getting me to read more blogs and to start blogging.

Champers - I e-mailed you straight out of the blue, seeking a friend and guidance. And you stuck with it. You listened when I had stuff to say, you gave me advice, you persuaded me to move beyond the clever commentator and into the realms of blogdom. Without you I would never have realized that I too could do this blogging thing and be good at it.

Revo- Dude! i love you man! You are the commentator I aspired to be. Always a witty comment to make us all laugh. And yet able to dispense thoughtful, caring advice when someone was troubled. I lost count of how many days we spend sparring, teasing other bloggers, joking, whiling away a Friday. We pushed Peas over 100 comments together. We gave each other new names, and graced Champers with one too.

Jam - You were so sad when I first read your blog, but I've seen you bounce right back up. You are so strong. You're a fighter and I admired that.Without you I might never have pulled my head out of my ass and met some fellow bloggers. Meeting you all was the inspiration to continue, to always try new things, to not fear, to not hesitate. Jam is the glue that holds us bloggers together ;)

To the other bloggers out there - I love you guys no less. These beautiful people above were my influences, my inspiration, my motivation, what got me here in the first place. I try to read all your blogs, but a day only has so many hours in it. If there is a comment to make you laugh, make you happy, agree with you, disagree with you gently, I will try to be there making it.

Thank you everybody. Enjoy the weekend. Let's all try to love each other a little more.

Mellon Chewy & The Infinite Sadness

2007-05-02T21:33:00.000+02:00

So after a fun filled weekend, I found myself at home alone on Tuesday. Alone time means I get a chance to do some introspection, look back on things, choices, actions, my regrets (I've had a few, but I did it my way), my faults (I've got a little list), my good points (I think I have some somewhere) and my weird points... I really HATE alone time!!!

This is not going to be a crying post though. I went out and did stuff, even though no friends were available. I also managed to get a little shopping done at Sandton. Caught the eyes of the hottest little Asian thing there. She gave me the complete "Look" with change to spare. I love getting The Look. It's like a total body tingle, you can feel it travel from the tips of your hair to the tips of your toes. If there was any justice in the world we'd all be getting a "Look" once a day.

And the day kept getting better from there. That night I went out for poker with the fellas. I didn't win anything, just had lots of fun, which in a way is worth a lot more ;P

Dress Codes In Different Area Codes

2007-05-01T10:12:00.000+02:00

Went to that Gothic/Metal club last night. The place is called Zeplins and it's in Pretoria. The dress code does kinda give away the location though. "No Flip Flops, No Rugby/Soccer Jerseys, No Sport Shorts". Yet even with the sheer simplicity of this arrangement (I don't think I even have sport shorts) Kevin managed to screw it up.

The bloody Kenyan decides that since he's probably the only black guy in a club with white people, all of whom are wearing black, he's coming in P Diddy white. Which was fine and I had a good laugh when he suggested it. Then he comes, standing out like the proverbial (black man in a white club?) but he's got slip slops on! Noooooooo! Dammit! You let down the side!

So we had to pull a fast Manhattans type switcheroo, meaning using girls with big handbags leaving the club with some poor sods shoes and and coming back in with slip slops ;) Thenwe could enjoy the evening.

One thing that I haven't quite decided on is the outfits. There was a lot of leather, PVC, collars, studs going around. Guys wearing skirts, corsets etc. are not unusual at all. Basically what this means is you have to make pretty sure that you're looking at a girl before you start checking her out. Checking out an unidentified something can be a traumatic experience. Not to worry though - everyone gets the hang of this very quickly. Let's just say that there's motivation ;)

So I hung out a bit, eyeing babes in tight clothing (lets just say some outfits leave no mysteries as to the wearer's sex), had one or two drinks, found people I knew and sat talking to them. One male acquaintance was wearing the longest dress I've ever seen on anything. This was a long black thing that trailed after him. I kept stepping on it when following. I suppose my brain doesn't compute that you have to leave room for a dress when you're following a guy. Seriously this thing was longer than some wedding dresses. Is there a word for when you step on someones dress? I know for shoes it's flat tyres ;P

Laughter and screams

2007-04-30T09:42:00.000+02:00

Agony is something wrong with your upper back. It feels like I tore a muscle or pinched a nerve or something. I jerked the fridge open the other day and the pain made me make one of those high pitched, muffled screams that I'd normally pay money to hear a woman make, but this was from sheer throbbing torture.

I've had this pain in my shoulder about a week now, I think something occurred during last weekends drunken binge that I can't quite remember. I'm keeping my arm in reserve now, going easy on "me strong man, you strong man" handshakes, basically nursing it for the next while ;P

So what happened on my weekend you ask? Thursday night we rented a movie, went out to Kyalami to a mates place and had general amounts of fun. The party ended when the host fell asleep on the couch though. That security around that place is kinda tight so you wanna leave while theres still someone to let you out ;)

Friday I had a little braai with friends, got rid of some of my copious amounts of meat. We went and caught the night showing of Hot Fuzz at Sandton. It's a totally awesome movie that is probably gonna be a cult flick in a few years, so go catch it now ;)

Saturday we hit Lusitoland. Queue massive chunks of Espetada meat and Caipirinhas. I had me the saltiest Espetada ever so I needed plenty of liquids to keep me going ;P I was about to get some chicken feet slippers from one of those stalls, but they only had one pair left and I let my mate take em. The stalls at that place sell absolute crap, the only one worth bothering with is the Banditos sauce stand which is fairly cheap. Especially when you know someone who will use Habanero sauce as a topping on toast ;)

Sunday - Painball. I came out fairly unscathed this time. Glancing blow to the head, one on the fingers, and two ricochets. Ricochets are just pain, there's no paint. Oh yeah, also came back in time for a braai with some jews. If you've ever had to keep track of "which are the kosher tongs" then you'll have some idea of the insanity. We can't have kosher meat touching normal meat now, they might die from it. Otherwise it was a cool party ;P

Bwahahaha! Telkom!

2007-04-26T10:14:00.000+02:00

OK so it turns out that I was back for about 3 hours yesterday before I got cut off. Knew it would happen. Just knew it! Telkom will shoot you down just when you think it's all OK again.

Those smarmy bastards!

In other news I'm scrambling for something to do this ultra long weekend. Saturday is covered by Lusitoland (Bring on the Espetadas!!). Monday might involve Go-Carting and maybe a Goth club in the evening. Sunday is open so far but might see paintball happen. Tuesday is a blank slate. But frikkin Freedom Day Friday isn't happening! I accept this challenge and will contact everyone I know in search of amusement ;P

Gotta go see what I missed in a week of blogs. See you at the crossroads ;P

I'm Baaaaack!

2007-04-25T12:52:00.000+02:00

I'd just like to start off by getting something off my chest...

PHUCK YOU TELKOM!!!

There! It's been said. They'll probably cut me off again tomorrow, but its out there now. It'll go forth and multiply, and grow, and come back bigger and better than before.

I've had no access since Saturday. it feels like someone cut your arm off, but you don't realize till you try to pick up something. Internet is insidious. It creeps in and takes over. Anytime you want to look up something, you use it. I look up stuff ALL the time. Weird facts, funny things, general stuff, history, shopping, directions, companies, menus - the list goes on.

Of course there's also this blog. And other blogs. And e-mail. And facebook. And skype. And MSN.....

I've thought about so much stuff that I want to post. I've thought about a couple of things I'm still not secure enough to post. I could write up at least 3 really risqué posts right now, but I have no idea what their reception would be like.

I will write about my weekend though. Friday was an awesome party with awesome people. It was some awesome chick's party. Birthday party that is. Let it be known that the hot blonde walking around Back2Basix was the Chewmeister himself. Thats right! Hard to believe one such as I could look so hot! Sorry to disappoint all you hopeful guys, but I'm all about the ladies ;P

Saturday I did something really stupid. Tequila! Slammers! With a hardhat and a mallet involved. I had one too many that night, followed by one too many ciders at the club. Ergo vomiting in the parking lot, getting home at half past four in the morning. Ever woken up and gone shopping drunk? Try walking down a Pick 'n Pay aisle whilst swaying gently ;P

Sunday night - poker night! Fun all around! The guys put off ordering pizza until I found myself starting my braai and doing some impromptu T-bone steaks. My steaks! Ah well - that's just how I roll then ;)

Philosophy?

2007-04-18T19:00:00.000+02:00

I was going through some old CD's a while back and I found some of my writing. It wasn't a diary or anything, just a couple of thoughts or personal philosophy that I'd taken time to save as a text file way back when. I was trying to figure out what I was busy going through when I recorded some of this.

Some thoughts I now disagree with completely, some I consider to still hold true. I'm not telling you which ones are which. Here they are in no particular order -

Why try to live longer by depriving yourself of lifes pleasures if it only means you live a long and boring life.

People die - get used to it. You will too someday!

War is what drives man forwards. If mankind embraces peace the species will stagnate and extinction will eventually occur.

If god has performed all these miracles for mankind - and satan is his polar opposite, what deeds has satan performed to retain the balance of good & evil?

All work and no play is a bunch of crap!

Logic & statistics dictate that owing to the size of the universe, extra-terrestrial life must exist - if this is true then by the very nature of it's existence the universe disproves the existence of god!

If I had absolutely nothing to lose then I would become quite deadly!

If one expects disappointment then any achievement will become a great success!

No human could ever think of themselves as truly 100% evil, likewise no human could therefore think of themselves as truly 100% good.

Before you tear into me about how wrong you feel some of these are, let me remind you that this was not me. This was a different guy writing a long time ago. I don't know what he was thinking half the time. While I may not agree with everything he says, he does have some valid points ;P

Fun and Games

2007-04-17T08:57:00.000+02:00

I love to laugh! I love to make other people laugh! If I can make one person laugh in a day it makes me feel like I have accomplished something. I can go to sleep feeling better about myself.

And now for something completely different...

Have you ever had someone who completely fucks up your readings. For the sake of convenience lets label them a woman. Girls you can just insert "he" wherever I say "she". So this girl, I've known her for quite a while, but she is completely unreadable to me.

When I first met her I was quite attracted to her. Something happened that meant we saw quite a bit of each other from then. We would talk. She never gave any signs of being attracted to me. We established a repartee, trying to one up each other with teasing. But sometimes, she wouldn't play nice and she'd get in the occasional jab that hurt.

I eventually gave up and avoided her. But I met her the other day. I have become harder to wound with teasing, long years of experience have given me shields. Nevertheless the first thing she did was try to get in a barbed comment. I just laughed and carried on. She didn't talk to me the rest of the evening. Maybe I was just a game she liked playing.

Wine Madness!

2007-04-15T19:50:00.000+02:00

Went out to dinner on Friday. Brown's - which is like not the cheapest place around. Lemme put it this way - Starters gets a page in the menu, Mains get 2, Dessert gets one. Then the rest of the book of the menu is wine. Like at least 20 pages of wines to choose from.

Now I'm not a wine drinker by any stretch of the imagination. I know it's alcohol and you can get wasted on it, but I never bothered to acquire any taste for it. But my friend sits down and orders a bottle of wine for the table. A R250.00 bottle of wine. This was half the bill! It was COMPLETELY wasted on my uncultured palate. Brown's does do excellent meals though, all the food was superb. The dessert's were divine. Chocolate Torte is soooooo chocolatey - very recommended if anyone goes there.

A mental note must be made at this point - whilst I do not sms or call former flames when inebriated, I do tend to send crazy sms' to everyone I know. Getting a hilarious one at what was my peak drunk period Friday night didn't help matters ;P

The sms went as follows -
"Don't tell anyone but, I'm gonna go down on you! And you are going to love it. But its only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it. Then I *some text missing*"

This got forwarded on to like 20 people. The replies ranged from "Are you drunk?" - affirmative, to "You're weird", "You need Jesus!", "Fuck Off Already" - this was from my Mother (Ta for that idea champers) ;)

I then sent on the missing text, which was basically "Then I'm going to come back up again and get you big time! Yours sincerely ...The Petrol Price!". Which I felt was a very lame punchline but got me out of a lot of trouble with a lot of people ;) The unfinished bit was too funny by itself!

After dinner we adjourned to someones house and played poker and got smashed on leftover rum from our Mozambique trip. Saturday was spent sleeping off a headache. Sunday I had a couple of guys around to play poker again. Theoretically I should be very good at it by now but its not working out that way ;P

Mags?

2007-04-13T08:36:00.000+02:00

I used to collect FHM's back in the day. This is dangerous. Collecting I mean. When you collect stuff it becomes less about the content and more about the collection. Eventually you have to look at this rowing pile of what is basically the same stuff, reworded and regurgitated back to you every month. Then you must turf the collection, or give it away to younger, more impressionable people.

So a little while back I bought myself both the Men's Health and the Cosmopolitan. I don't buy magazines, but having never bought either of these before I wanted to find out what they're about. I'm not particularly biased so I bought what is typically the mens mag and the ladies mag. This was just to see both sides of the coin and compare.

What I found when reading these two supposedly opposed magazines was that they're so similar they might as well join them together. They both have very similar sections on diets, workouts, fashion etc. They both do sex sections, which even if you're reading the opposite sex's mag can still give you some ideas to try out. Even if said idea involves "Baby can you try it while drinking warm mint tea this time?".

The Cosmo does a major section on everything wedding related. Men's Health does extreme sports, how to change tyres, that kinda crap. It's all very interesting but in a "I could very well just look this up online" sort of way. I've learned one or two things I didn't know before and so my circle of mostly useless knowledge grows. I think I'll steer clear of magazines for another couple of years before trying again ;P

You kiss just like my dad....

2007-04-10T23:09:00.000+02:00

I'm writing this while it is still all fresh in my mind and I am as a consequence of that, still pretty trashed. This should be interesting...

Last night (tonight, Tuesday night, although we only have 15 minutes remaining) I went out with a good friend of mine. She wanted company to watch movies. So we met at Rosebank at 5 after her gyney appointment ;P We saw Fearless (me for the second time).

Afterwards we went to have drinks at one of those restaurants around there. We had Sangria and the kind of talk that comes after one and a half liters of Sangria (ie. Girl Talk). We talked about private things I haven't talked about with anyone in a long time and things we were curious about. Stuff like -

- Gynecologists : Checkups every 6 months, pap smears, do they use echo-location to test (no apparently), do they warm up the tools (apparently not)

- Collective nouns : What is the collective noun for a clitoris? A bitch of clitorii? A bleed? A cunt?

- Shoes : Why the need for so many? What shoes are sexy and what aren't (Anything stiletto - that posture it gives does something to a womans figure that is just...) ;)

- Drinking : I only really truly started a year ago. Maybe even less.

- Smoking : We both don't like it. Sore throats. Sneezing.

- My Turn-Ons : Long hair (like haircare advert hair), lingerie, those sounds a woman makes when you're licking or sucking her neck, ear, other regions (moaning, sighing, heavy breathing - it's all good) ;P

- Her Turn-Ons : Tanned, naked, toned guys (um...)

- Lingerie : Silk and Lace, Garter belts, Corsets, We both like this stuff ;)

- Photos : Modeling photos (nudes), Cameltoe (Both not me ;P )

- Relationships : Friends, assholes, friends with benefits, fuckups with friends after benefits, sex (lots of sex - after a lot of wine type sex talk)

- Porno : Hot, pure, gorgeous, sexy, vixen Lesbians vs. Naked ugly, greasy, sweaty, dirt dudes shafting some bitch in the anus (you decide) ;P

- Adverts : The mens bathroom has one of those speaker adverts above the urinals. Imagine my surprise when these noises started up just as I was uncoiling "Mmwhroar, Aaaarrr, Unleash the Beast. Jagermeister!". Almost gives a guy performance anxiety ;) She actually popped in there later to verify my story.

- Women : When am I going to get any? I actually swore at her when she used the "Don't worry, there's someone special out there for you" line. I would quite happily forfeit someone special for someone right here and now. One thing time has taught me is to lower my standards. She might be setting me up later, we'll see ;)

- Secrecy : The need to keep all topics covered in out brutally honest evening very secret (uh-oh...)

A very wise and special person asked me today why I don't do many personal blogs. I think I just did...

Feaster?

2007-04-10T10:45:00.000+02:00

I had a braai on Saturday. I did all the catering, which was good, ask anyone. From now on I'm only doing bring 'n braais, unless of course I have affidavits from all guests swearing that they will attend. Signed in their own blood. But on the plus side my freezer has enough steaks in it to last me about 2 months ;P

Sunday and Monday were spent vegetating in front of the new movies I got on Saturday. I re-watched Casino Royale and Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Also watched some of the new movies that are gonna be hitting our shores in the next coupla months. For the first time in a very long time, I played a computer game. And I read a couple of my Pratchetts again.

Here's something I read this morning that made me go "Wow!". Not funny haha, not weird news, just something that was set up and impressed me. Wow to people, wow to the music, wow to the guy. That and its a huge article. It certainly made me think. As I re-listened to Just Like Heaven by The Cure. Read the article you'll see.

Kill something and eat it

2007-04-04T14:55:00.000+02:00

Went shopping in Pick 'n Pay this afternoon. It's not the best place in the world to buy vegetables. Woolworths is so much better. I noticed that they now have Coca Cola on the shelves - marked "Kosher for Passover"???

Now the way I understand kosher is that its a very anal retentive, outdated method of killing something so you can eat it. Blessings and sharp knives etc. Its a pet gripe of mine because some ignorants claim the animals feel no pain!?!?! Hello? PETA has videos of cows getting up and walking around for a minute after their throats are slit. And everyone knows you can get a chicken to run around after its head is cut off.

But enough of this ; my question is - what part of the coke necessitates kosher? If nothing needs to be killed in production then the product should be marked Parev right? What exactly are they killing to make coke? Does the caramel come from horned caramellia beetles or something?Maybe they're using pigs to snort for caramel truffles? I think not. I think its a marketing gimmick to fool impressionable jews. I can just imagine it

Heimey : "Hey look - kosher coke!"

Mordechai : "Hey wow. I could really use a coke. Its been so long"

Heimey : "When last you have coke then?"

Mordechai : "Last Year. In Israel, they make the best Kosher coke"

Heimey : "What do you say we get us some cheeseburgers to go with that too?"

I'm too young to Diet

2007-04-03T09:03:00.000+02:00

I made a bet with myself yesterday that I would manage a week of just Vegetables. Thats right - Vegetarian for a week. If South Park is anything to go by I should expect tiny vagina's to break out all over my body, left unchecked I would turn into one big giant pussy ;P

I always felt that traditional vegetarians are somehow cheating - because of my inability to eat breads or pasta, this cuts down a whole range of foodstuff options for me. If I were to be a fully fledged vegetarian I would have to only eat vegetables, not sandwiches etc. Meat is my refuge. Besides - try eliminating just one type of food from your diet - you soon hold onto the rest with a death grip.

I'm not too worried about the bet though - I make them with myself all the time. Sometimes He wins, sometimes I do. Whatever happens fun is to be had by all. I've gone longer periods not eating meat anyway.

Gear down and accelerate...

2007-04-02T08:27:00.000+02:00

Weekend in review.

Friday - Blog awards. I WASN'T GOING TO DRINK ANYTHING! But I guess Jaques, our ever friendly waiter, and a couple of other people had something to say about that. 5 Hunters Golds later... Well.... Stuff like this happens. Then I left with a dude to go get lost in Sunninghill ;P

Saturday - The big day. It's my friend Marco's bachelor party. Early morning start, packed into the combi to paintball. Our only reservations were deep behind the boerewors curtain. You know something is a bit off when your course marshall is wearing fluffy sheepskin slippers in the veldt, and you can hear "De La Rey" playing in the distance. I shit you not!

Back to Joburg for a braai, a coupla games of pool, darts, poker. I learnt about the Strawpedo and downed about 5 Brutal Fruits trying to break through that 3 second barrier. My best time was about 3,5 seconds. 2 tequila slammers also followed, with the hardhat and mallet being used enthusiastically.

We kitted the bachelor in his Darth Vader outfit (full mask and everything) and set off for a night on the town in a limo. With the obligatory "Gigi" the blowup doll in attendance. First stop of the evening - BP on William Nicol so everyone can pee ;)

Next we hit Billy the B.U.M.S. (I wonder what the acronym stands for) for some challenges. I remember I sampled a cigar and hubbly for the first time. Can't say I'm ever going to do it again. We got dealt random challenges from a pack of cards. I had to obtain a lapdance from a lady. This was achieved ;)

The last stop of our evening (official - not when the bachelor was sick up on the way back home) was Nightfever. I actually had a good time here for once. Wound up dancing the night away with Darth Vader's helmet on. It's fun what you can do when you're anonymous. Then we called the transport and set off homewards. Gigi was behaving like a real slut though. She kept flashing everyone out the window. And we stopped to urgently look for some kinda container, anything to hold liquids very temporarily (see above). The Tequila Slammer Hardhat worked very well. And that was the party - very legend!

Sunday - Chill and sleep. Watch manly manly movie with people. Speculate on the attainability 6 packs, 8 packs, 10 packs. Also realise that the chicks might have enjoyed The 300 quite a bit more than us. Even if all the hotties never wore bras. The Male nipple count definitely outdid female nipples in attendance though. This movie set the bar in terms of the "I'm a manly man!" inspiring movies.

Weekend over. Look forward to Easter and a planned blogger Poker night sometime afterwards. Anyone wanting in must notify me. I know some of you already - we need one or two more for a game though. Preferably chicks to balance out guys ;)

5 Minutes Of Someone New

2007-04-01T10:50:00.000+02:00

I wanted to post this on Thursday Already!

I got invited to a speed dating evening last night. I’m always game for something new and I’d never been before so I thought why the hell not. Two of my mates were coming so we were going to have a good time regardless.

We got there to find ourselves the first to arrive. One other guy coming with us cancelled on the day. He was the one who started the whole drive as well! We are still trying to figure him out. It is so not an end of the world situation. You’ll never have to see anyone you meet again if you don’t want to. And everyone is on the same footing.

We soon realised by the turnout that this had happened to a few other people. Most people seemed to come with a friend or two for backup. All in all, from an evening that was apparently promising 10 guys vs. 10 girls, we wound up with 4 girls and 5 guys. The chick organizing doesn’t care because she gets their money anyway.

Thomas (loud, blatant, German dude – more outspoken than me even) soon had us all drinking. The organizers even supplied everyone with shots of sourz to get things flowing. Speed dating seems to be about a par 2 before you start, followed with a beer during the course. You then had 5 minutes to chat to each woman about whatever. No-one there had been to an event like this before so it was all pretty tame.

Afterwards we all got together downstairs for post event drinks and chat. I think we are still too young to be doing this kinda thing. Apparently the 30 year old and above crowd always fully book a speed dating evening. What we had was one woman who didn’t know what “The Look” was, one whose friend signed her up, and one who brought a friend along.

We had quite a few drinks and laughs about the whole thing. “Bring the kids!”, “Come and choose your new mommy kids”, and a whole host of fun questions and things to try on people “When last did you have sex?”, “What shoe size are you?”, “Is it cool if I were to just fall asleep after sex?”, or just bring some 30 seconds cards and start asking away. Also try sit down and say “You have 2 and half minutes. GO!”.

My internet is giving me kak. Dunno if I’ll even be able to post this. One things for sure though – No kitty pics are being uploaded through this crappy cellphone GPRS ;P

I like the Brittle but not the Peanuts...

2007-03-26T07:34:00.000+02:00

So a largely uneventful week for me. It sucks sometimes being the only tech support in your family I tell you. Working on the public holiday didn't make things any more fun.

One or two things that happened last week that left an impression -

-What you don't wanna hear when your mom is cutting up chicken for stir-fry "What's the date today?" - I had a steak.

-Traffic Departments - you can do one of 2 things - Laugh, or kill someone. Or do those both at the same time. If Nelspruit wasn't so damn small there would be a lot more traffic department related deaths. At least it only takes 5 minutes to get across town and photocopy ID and get back.

-We have a new house. There's a traffic circle right outside my bedroom window. When the ouens come back from a long night of sokkie and langarm-ing, they tear around the circle at 1 in the morning. We are not amused! By the second day I was looking up caltrop designs and paintball gun prices.

-My dog is still awesome.

So I didn't read any blogs this last week. It might take some time to catch up. Or maybe I should just leave it and carry on. Dunno.

Weekend was fairly good. It took some organizing since I got back on Friday afternoon. Saturday I managed to rustle up a crew. We met at Colony. The bouncers were carding everybody! At the freakin Colony??? Anyway it turns out one of the guys forgot his ID. My whole crew are all over 26. No problem though - bounced! So we went to Hyde Park, ate and drank at JB Rivers. Daiquiri's and Apple Martinis were had to the amusement of all.

Sunday I hosted a fairly legend poker game. The rule of thumb still seems to be holding though - the n00b always wins.

I seem to have brought back a cold from Mpumalanga. I am currently holding it at bay with ancient family techniques handed down through the generations ;P

Temporarily Out Of Joburg

2007-03-19T09:44:00.000+02:00

So I'm going down to Mpumalanga for the week. I'll give y'all a hint. It rhymes with Hells-plate. And starts with an "N". Thats as much as I'm prepared to let you know ;P

Went to some random chicks party on Saturday. Met some cool new people. It was a birthday party. I'm not sure but it might have been her 36th? Then cos it was St. Paddy's (Patron Saint of Ireland boys - banished all the snakes from that place) we went to some random pirate place in Parkhurst. I had imbibed a little too much before so I left early and found myself driving home automatically. I had meant to visit a friend but you know how sometimes you just take a route without thinking.

So Saturday I must have collapsed at about 9. Yeah I know. It sucks. I'm weak. What really sucks is then waking up early on a Sunday with nothing planned for the day. I am hereby resolving to sleep late on Sundays, even if it means going to bed Sunday morning sometime ;P

So (probably) no blogging from me this week. Enjoy the silence for once ;P

(Yes I know she's 26 and it's the Jolly Roger - Sheesh!) ;P

Super-Heroine?

2007-03-15T08:54:00.000+02:00

So last night I was chatting to a buddy on MSN. Actually I was chatting to about 5 different people, sometimes 2 or 3 at once, but thats not for here or there ;P One of the topics I covered with one of my comic , manga and fantasy book reading mates was the battle for good heroines in all these genres. We've pretty much exhausted all the good ones already and all we're left with is what basically can be classified as erotica.

In terms of fantasy books, there are only a couple of good female leads. Urban Fantasy is our current gripe. The minute vampires start appearing you know she's gonna be having sex with them. Maybe it comes down to the fact that almost all of these with a female protagonists are written by females. Maybe this is a trait of more adult reading. Whatever the case, the minute you get into a good novel with a leading woman, be she vampire, werewolf, witch or normal, pretty soon she's into a graphic gratuitous sex scene. This is not why we read these books dammit!

Comics differ in this regard because traditional comic artists are predominantly male. Also the audience for "graphic novels" (OK I said it - whatever they're properly called, I still like reading em - you don't have to call a spade a shovel to dig with it) is much younger (mostly) and sex is kept mostly at arms length (hahahaahahaha!). Sure most female heroines feature highly in the loincloth/bikini/tight costume wardrobe, but they kick ass and take names.

We inevitably got onto the subject of Super-heroine movies. In our opinions these are unilaterally doomed to failure. The only good roles a female superhero has is in a supporting role. Look at movies like Elektra and Catwoman. These movies sucked in terms of plot, character, effects etc. What we need is a total badass super heroine bitch to take over. We look forward to the day someone makes one of these movies:
- Lady Death (Undead Goddess, total albino thing going on, black bikini, glowing sword)
- Chastity (Vampire, Ninja, Assassin, Party Goddess, punk rocker wardrobe)
- Purgatori (Vampire, Batwings, Lesbian, Blood Sorceress, little or nothing wardrobe, It'll NEVER happen!)
- Darkchylde (18 year old (yeah right!) shapeshifter girl, jeans and t-shirt variety)

thereslikehalfacookieunderneathmyspacebar

2007-03-13T13:21:00.000+02:00

"There are the Brothers of Cool, a reserved and secretive sect which believes that only through ultimate coolness can the universe be comprehended, and that black works with everything, and that chrome will never truly go out of style." - Terry Pratchett "Thief Of Time"

So - no kitties today....

I am allergic to gluten. Thats the shit inside wheat. Actually anything containing wheat, barley, oats or rye - I can't have. Bread, pizza, pasta, beer - all theses things are off the list. The allergy (intolerance) only came back when I was 22. I had it when i was younger but it went away. Now its here to stay ;)

I also have developed hayfever problems with short-haired cats. So that means no kitties for me either.

Wanna know what my 2 favourite things in the world used to be? Kitke (strucla) bread, and little kitties ;P

Hmmm

2007-03-12T08:00:00.000+02:00

So a number of things happened this weekend. Stuff that got me thinking, stuff that had me wondering.

On Friday I made the decision to drink less. This after leaving a braai, taking a whizz by my car, stopping to take a whizz, stopping to take another and then racing home to take the last of the evening. All this on a 15 minute drive. And my consumption for the evening? Two cokes and one vodka lemonade. I was pissed off, literally and figuratively ;P

Saturday was gonna be a night spent with Graham, just talking and drinking. Then at the last minute he got invited to go for drinks with some old school buddies he hasn't seen in a while. So like a fool I decide to tag along. One thing i have learnt from this - NEVER go to any event where there's some form of reunion going on. You won't know anybody and they'll all be talking about the good old days, which you have no way to relate to.

So I sat in news cafe practicing my"be totally ignored" impressions. Fridays resolution went out the window pretty quick. I had ample opportunity to observe though. There are some fine looking women in this word, and there are a lot of ugly looking men too. I started to wonder how much the average woman was prepared to ignore. I was surrounded by plenty of examples of halitosis, body odour, hairy, sweaty, fat, badly dressed and just plain ugly guys. Accompanying most of these though was an incredibly gorgeous woman. I'm still trying to figure it out ;)

When the torment finally ended we set off for colony for post evening drinkage. Yet another resolution I made here was - never sit in a bar with a woman holding a water pistol. She seemed to take a macabre fascination/amusement out of spraying the biggest guys. I thought I was gonna get my ass handed to me several times ;P

Sunday afternoon was spent playing poker. I won the first game and lost the second. The guys reminisced over the old games on my console. I was watching TV earlier when i saw this telkom ad about "cable thieves steal jobs". I spent most of the day trying to figure out this logic. Does telkom fire people whenever someone steals cable? Who loses their job when cable is stolen? The cable thieves make money, the guy they sell to makes money, the guy replacing the cable makes money, the cable company makes money, telkom still makes money no matter what. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong but I still can't figure it out.

Chewy Ronge

2007-03-08T11:41:00.000+02:00

So Tuesday we went and watched movies. Normally I get pretty anal on movie days, looks at whats showing, read reviews and go prepared. Not this time. If it ever gets to the point where you're tossing a coin to pick movies, just turn around and go do something else. We wound up watchin "Epic Movie". Suffice to say the only epic thing about it was how badly it sucked. You know its bad when the reason to laugh is how terrible the movie is.

Last night I got a special treat. I managed to get hold of the "Hogfather" movie/mini-series based on Terry Pratchett's book. It's comes in 2 parts, each 1 1/2 hours. The movie didn't have a huge budget, and a Terry Pratchett movie will never achieve the same level of brilliance as one of his novels, but it still managed to capture some of the poignancy, wit and satire of what makes Pratchett's books so incredible.

If I were to rate it on a Fantasy movie scale, with Lord of the Rings as a 10, and a Dolph Lundgren special at the bottom, I'd put it at about 4/5 up. Not that I'm saying I like LOTR mind you, I just think it was a good example of how a fantasy movie should be done. For some reason I downloaded the soundtrack to "A Beautiful Mind" after watching the movie (must be the same composer or something) ;P

Hmmm. I really need something to do this weekend. Got all my assignments happening next week. Gotta take my mind off that. Party! ;P

*Funny Heading Removed

2007-03-06T09:11:00.000+02:00

I am having the time of my life here. Spent the whole morning on BASH. That site is gonna kill me soon. My tombstone will probably read "He choked while drinking coke and trying to laugh".

In other news. I tried to find a song the other day. The chorus (which is the only part I could remember) went "na na na na na na na na". Try put that into Google and find something. Impossible? Not quite. After trolling through hundreds of sites, refining the search, eliminating Nelly, Hey Jude and like a hundred other songs, I found it! The track turned out to be "Hush" by "Deep Purple".

The last 3 days i have had the most trouble sleeping ever. Been awake till like 2 or 3 every morning. Maybe its the heat, maybe its something else. then I found this site and thought I'd give it a try. Results? Better than expected. I was a bit skeptic at first because of the block and tackle issue, but it turns out I slept fine ;P